My family does not want the woman I want to marry. What should I do?

- There is someone I want to marry and I am determined to get married. However, my mother and father regard my spouse’s family as ignorant and do not regard them to be equal to them.
They say, “If you want to get married, go and get married yourself; we won’t be involved.”
- I am confused and do not know what to do. What should I do?

Dear Brother / Sister,

One of the most important decisions in one’s life is choosing a life partner. Not only married life, but also peace and happiness in business and professional life and, more importantly, eternal salvation largely depend on setting off with a suitable partner.

Spouses chosen with a good decision not only meet each other’s biological and psychological needs but also support each other in all areas of life. They help each other’s eternal life.

Otherwise, spouses can also be a hindering and disturbing factor in all areas of life, though indirectly.

For this reason, everybody wants to make the most accurate decision in choosing a spouse; or, if he has decided, he thinks that this choice is the most suitable choice for him.

Similarly, parents want their child to marry the most appropriate person. If they have found a spouse, they think that he/she is the most suitable one for their child because parents want to protect their child due to the feelings of mercy, compassion and responsibility, which Allah has placed in their nature.

However, it is not always easy to make the right decision since the subconscious mind is active during the selection process of a spouse. While choosing a spouse, the image of the ideal woman or man of the opposite sex that people have created in their minds since their childhood steps in. The spouse-to-be, who, according to them, is “exactly the person they are looking for”, might actually be a mixture of parental behavior, older brother-sister relationships, people whom they see and are influenced by in their environment and media. In that case, such a person experiences great disappointments after marriage.

Therefore, it would be more appropriate to ask the opinions of the people around, especially the parents. First of all, they can see what you do not see. In addition, perhaps the most important thing is that there can be a constant tension in marital life because of a spouse that the parents do not want.

There are also problems that will arise if a person marries someone whom he/she does not want and with whom his/her heart does not feel warm just with the thought of pleasing his/her parents. If you cannot get along well with your spouse or you have a slight disagreement, you might reproach your parents, or you might not fully adopt your marriage.

In that case, the most appropriate thing in choosing a spouse is that the candidate should be a person equal to you in terms of religiousness and have a “heart corresponding to your heart”. In other words, he/she should feel warmth in his/her heart to the person he/she will marry, love him/her enough to be together forever, and say “yes” after getting his/her parents’ consent.

We believe that you will make the most appropriate decision after considering the following explanations too.

- It is essential to “get along well with parents” in Islam. It is necessary to make efforts to this end. (see Luqman, 31/15)

However, it should not be understood as fulfilling absolutely what they say in every issue. The responsibility of the marriage primarily belongs you.

- First of all, it will be useful to understand your parents and to show that you understand them both with your mood and with your tongue. For example, you can address them sincerely as follows:  

“Mummy, daddy! I understand you; you are worried about me; you are thinking about my happiness. I am grateful to you because of it. It is very good that I have such a mother and father who are thinking of me but I want to take responsibility for this marriage. Otherwise, if I cannot be happy, I am afraid that I will regard both of you as responsible and will not be able to take care of the woman I will marry...”

- If you display a careful and determined stance, it will be easy for them to accept it.

- If you have researched and are confident about the candidate and her family, give your parents some time to agree and be patient. A person can react suddenly to an unexpected offer or situation, but he gets used to it over time.

- The opposition of parents generally originates from not knowing the spouse and his /her family. It might be helpful to get them to meet on an occasion in order to break the prejudices.

- As we understand from your question, your parents object because they do not like the family of your future spouse. Use a persuasive language of communication with them regarding the issue because it is not enough to tell them that you love your future spouse very much. In addition, it will be useful to express logical reasons why such a marriage is suitable for you and will make you happy. For example, you can state the following:

“There are many qualities that a spouse should have in order to have a peaceful married life. It is impossible for a person to have all those qualities. Many of those who look for ideal spouses cannot marry for a long time because of it. My indispensable preference is religion and warmth of the heart. Both of them are available in my future spouse. I like and love her and I am sure that you will love her too...”

- When you talk to your parents about the issue, if it occurs in the form of argument and opposition, you will cause them to defend and stabilize their positions. Therefore, instead of directly opposing their ideas and the reasons they put forward, you can make them say “yes” by asking questions. For example, you can ask, “Do you want me to be happy?” When they say, “Of course, we want you to be happy”, you can say something like, “Then let me marry her because I believe that I will be happy with her.”

- Pray to Allah a lot to grant you what is best for you. If He wishes and if His wisdom necessitates it, He will make your parents agree.

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