How to Resolve Family Conflicts?

Details of the Question
How to Resolve Family Conflicts?
The Answer

Dear Brother / Sister,

1. Save your marriage!

Most of us evaluate our wives according to our own point of view. We can be acting emotionally. Our point of view can be selfish. We can approach everything according to our own benefit.

How about of being objective, instead? Who knows? Perhaps your wife can be right. Which one of us apply the magical formula called empathy?

Can we not behave by thinking of our spouse’s expectations and putting ourselves in their shoes? Is it so hard to see the events from the point of view of your spouse? It is the rule of objectivity. Try it. You will see that your marriage will undergo a magnificent change.

2. We are bound to be happy!

If you are married, you are bound to be happy and get on well with your spouse. Suppose that you get divorced, do you have a guarantee that you will be happy in your second marriage?

Even if you were happy in your second marriage, would the memories of the ruined lives and sorrows of children left behind not make you unhappy? Can you face it?

Never think of the sacrifice one-sided. You two endure each other. Everybody loves himself or herself and thinks that they are right. If she is unbearable to you -I always object the one-sided evaluations-, you are unbearable to her similarly.

3. Determine the reasons of conflict

There is the only reason of conflict between spouses: not to know how to get on well. We fill in our brains with so much unnecessary information till we get married. Most of it has no use. Look around. Many young people get married before they are ready. They do not have enough education and information. As a result, they cannot manage it properly.

Some people who have family problems think, “I am bored with the nagging of my wife”. Have you ever thought why she nags? Is the only thing that your wife does at home nagging? Why do you not see her good aspects?

4. Get rid of the big mistake

The biggest mistake of those who are newly married is that they get disappointed by dreaming “a rose garden without thorns” and of those who are married for years is that they do not do anything to improve their marriage by thinking, “it will go on like that”.

Think that there is no sea without waves and no rose garden without thorns. So, you will be relaxed. There are problems in every place where people live. The basic problem is dreaming of a life without problems. We should be prepared by thinking of the problems to occur.

5. First, think that you may have made a mistake!

First, remove the mistakes you have done. Man always thinks others are wrong. However, the best thing to do is to try to eliminate our mistakes first.

What is important is not what you are like but how your spouse perceives you. Perhaps you love your spouse more than anybody does but he/she might not be aware of it. Then, you should show that you love him/her. What everybody likes is different. What does your spouse like? He might like presents, traveling, chatting, care, compliments, or something else. Are you sure that you have tried them enough?

Let me tell you an effective and wonderful rule: Treat your spouse as you would like him/her to treat you.

6. Discuss properly!

If you want to have a happy and peaceful marriage, do not fear to discuss. However, obey the rules of a useful and effective debate.

A proper debate which is made by obeying its rules is the key to a great happiness and the best solution to the conflicts within the family.

The debate causes spouses to know and discover more about each other. There are people who do not know their spouses enough although they have been married for years. We know that the communication is the means for people to understand each other; so you cannot know each other without talking.

7. Marriage is the beginning of the real love and the end of the cheating love.

Marriage is not the end of love and affection; it is the settlement period of it. The love before marriage is the phase of meeting; it may deceive one if one is not careful in this period. However, he real love is the one in the marriage and gets strong and strong day by day.

The mutual love between spouses is so strong that no problem should ruin it. Love is suffering, enduring, self-denial, and self-sacrifice. The love for which you do not suffer or risk to suffer is not love, and you can leave it easily.

Those who get married of their own accord but who plan to divorce their wives when a small problem or sickness  arises because of their wives, are not lovers; they are the greatest liars.

8. Do not neglect your family when you focus on your job

Some family problems originate from the fact that the man does not allocate time to their families because of being interested in the work too much. The same case is also valid for the working women.

The saying, “out of sight, out of mind” is not said in vain. If the spouses do not see each other enough, they will have communication problems. Those who do not talk to each other cannot express their feelings, ideas, and expectations. When the spouses do not talk to each other, there will be guesses, presumptions and suspicions. The spouses evaluate each other according to presumptions, assumptions, and gossips. As a result, many problems arise.

The solution: “first your spouse, then your wife” is the rule.

9. You are the doctor of your spouse!

If your spouse has a psychological problem, do believe this absolutely: you are the greatest doctor. Yes, absolutely you should find an expert doctor but you should not top praying for him/her. However, only the person who is ill can solve the psychological problem. Since many patients cannot do it, you should be her/his closest helper.

Two of the most basic conditions of the marriage is fidelity and chastity. A spouse who escapes on seeing the difficulty, boredom, and suffering cannot deserve the sweet and happy days.

You should show patience to your spouse’s problem. You should do your best to solve it.

10. Build a new and happy world!

You will give the biggest support and help to your wife, who has a psychological problem. Most people think that this unbearable and long-term problem will never end. He thinks that these impositions, troubles, pains, acts which make one perplexed will keep on continuously.

No! You are wrong. Allah has created a solution to every problem and a cure for every sickness. Those painful days will not keep going forever. One day, everything will be great. The sun will shine again happily and you will see that the black clouds are scattered.

Your spouse will be healthy again, maybe better than ever before. I have met so many people who have become healthy again after a good treatment that you would never believe that they would get well if you had seen their previous state.

11.  Responsibility of being husband

If you do not feel a passionate love towards your wife, think of her future, not today. Love your wife’s future.

A teacher does not test students about an issue that he/she does not teach. First, you should teach something and then wait for a response. Without answering their expectations, you have no right to demand something.

Some men say that they have been mistaken by their expectations regarding their wives. After marriage, you cannot leave your wife by saying “I am disappointed”  because you did not buy a household appliance or an automobile; you cannot try to change her. Even those appliances have a five-year guarantee.

12.  Make her totally feel your love

Many people who become aware that their marriages begin to dissolve and there are problems waiting to be solved between them think, “I have done everything for her but I cannot make her happy.”

In reality, has he done everything for her? We cannot accuse the heart of anybody and we do not have any right to think that others are bad. Of course, if someone who wants to save his marriage says, “I have done everything for her”, he may be uttering an important reality. Perhaps he has not done everything but he may have done many things that he believes should be done.

However, we measure actions by their results. If you cannot find happiness that you have expected, it means that you have not done “everything” or “what you should have done”.

13. Do not resort to beating!

O men who are given one of the most valuable bounties of Allah! First of all, our Lord who has an endless compassion entrusted women, “the example of compassion”, to you. Do not betray. Be trustable and reliable.

You are responsible of protecting your wife from every kind of evil. Although you should protect her against others’ bad acts, how can you give the biggest damage to her? Would you not fight for her, if someone insulted or attacked her? While preventing the others from hurting your wife, how can you yourself hurt her?

14.  Pay attention to sexual problems

The aim of marriage is to produce and educate man. However, since those two duties are difficult and heavy, the sexual feelings have been given as a fee in advance. Allah, to some extent, has offered sexual intercourse as stimulus for a heavy duty like marriage.

Since you start a family by getting married, you have to fix problems about sexuality like other problems. You do belong to each other and it is your first duty to make each other happy.

You should make your sexual life orderly and productive so that you can easily cope with problems happening in the future.

Each spouse should be interested in making his/her spouse happy sexually. The spouses should be satisfied with each other.

If the spouses do not find the satisfaction that they expect, one of them or both will search different ways. Perhaps that search will remain just as an idea in some, but others might make mistakes and destroy both their world and hereafter by deceiving their spouses.

Here both sides are guilty, not just one who makes the mistake because he or she has neglected his/her spouse and has not answered his/her expectations.

15. Show respect your spouse’s parents

It badly affects marriages not to get on well with your spouses’ parents and relatives. The negative attitudes of spouses remove the happiness from the family.

Sometimes one of the spouses or both cry through all their lives and sometimes not getting on well with spouses’ relatives ends up in divorce.

First of all, you should definitely avoid generalizations. We mean this by generalization:

The views like “all mother-in-laws are evil” or “all daughter-in-laws are good”  or vice versa are totally wrong. Unfortunately, we have such prejudices about our spouses’ relatives.

Each spouse respects and tolerates their own parents and relatives; but they are intolerant, disrespectful, questioning, and accusatory towards the parents or relatives of their spouse.

Of course, it is valid for those families that have problems. However, there are also daughter-in-laws and son-in-laws who love and respect their father-in-laws and mother-in-laws as if they are their own parents.

16. Read books about marriage

Everything has its cure. However, the exact solution is possible only by applying the method of solution as it is needed. You are the engine of it. The real power and management are in your hands in the process of solution. You are in the driver’s seat. The formulas we have written above are just to offer clues and methods of solution.

The problem between the spouses is the source of most of your worries. You should do your best to fix it. If it is necessary to read books, do read tens or hundreds of books. If you need consulting, do not refrain from it. If you need an expert’s views, ask without hesitating and learn. Do not worry. You are not the only one to have problems.

Questions on Islam

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