How can I show love to my wife who lost her ex-husband?

The Details of the Question

- Sometimes some men and women get divorced and their marriages end though they do not want, but for some reasons (such as family problems, financial problems), they have to divorce. Others lose their spouses as a result of a tragedy. Although some want to continue the relationship, they cannot continue because it is not mutual. Some of them separate due to an event they do not want and have to end their marriage.
1) If I want to marry a divorced woman, what should I do to build love and kindness as a husband so that she will not remember her previous husband and is not hurt?

2) Do I have to act in a way to maintain peace in the family?

3) What romantic words can I say to make her feel loved?

4) How can I convince her that she has to forget her past and move on? How can I convince her that we are for each other right now and that we should ignore the emotional pains of the past?

The Answer

Dear Brother / Sister,

As far as we understand from your questions, you are planning to marry a woman whose husband has passed away. However, you have concerns about this marriage, as this lady has not forgotten the past completely and cannot break away from her ex-husband emotionally. Although your heart desires marriage very much, you are also afraid of the problems you are likely to encounter.

First of all, you are right about your concerns and fears because marriage is a matter of the heart, being united in sorrow and joy, and helping each other in the happiness of this world and the hereafter. Such a companionship is not a reluctant, loveless friendship that develops over time and that can be easily abandoned when the couples want. Therefore, if you have not married yet, we think it will be healthier to leave your marriage decision to time.

In this context, neither you nor any other intermediary should try to persuade this lady to marry you; leave it to time. When she forgets the past and takes it out of her heart, you can get married. That is better for you.

If you have already married this lady, our advice to you is as follows:

1. What should I do?

In fact, it is both difficult and not necessary for a person to completely forget her past. What matters is that the old should not harm the new, and it is necessary to avoid the words, actions and deeds that will harm the marriage. Focus on what you have to do, not what she has to do.

Therefore, it is not easy for a woman to delete her ex-husband from her memories for a long time, whether her husband has passed away or she is divorced. It is unrealistic to expect it to be forgotten in a short time. If you accept it in advance, you will be more peaceful because expecting something contrary to human nature from a woman is oppression to both her and you.

However, if you treat her better than her ex-husband, she may forget and be grateful to you. Therefore, it will be healthier for you to ask her directly, rather than our outside advice. You can say to her:

“How would you like me to treat you so that you could be happy and peaceful in your life? How would you be happier with me?”

Her answer to this question is what she needs for happiness and peace. As long as you act accordingly, she will forget her ex-husband faster.

2. Do I have to act in a way to maintain peace in the family?

We do not understand what you mean by peace. But as a husband and father, you have a responsibility in the family to treat your spouse and children with justice, compassion and love. You have to do it. If you are worried that you will not be able to do so, it will be useful to reconsider your marriage decision.

3. What romantic words can I say to make her feel loved?

Everyone’s love language and favorite words are different. However, all women like attention, being liked, and their femininity, motherhood, and housewifery being liked. Mawlana says, “Women are fed from their ears.” A woman wants to hear that she is loved.

4. How can I convince her that she has to forget her past and move on?

First of all, her present day and future should be more peaceful and happier than her past so that she will forget her past and will not harm her new life because even if you convince the mind of a woman who has worries and concerns and whose present is more troubled, more difficult and more unloving than her past, it is difficult for you to find peace in marriage life because her heart will not be convinced in a short time.

Instead of persuading her verbally, when you offer her a more peaceful and loving life with your deeds, the past will be forgotten more easily.

It should not be forgotten that our worldly life is temporary and that it can end any moment. Therefore, we must seek ways to gain the eternal life; the foundation and purpose of our family life should be “to lead our family life in this world in a way that will provide our family eternal family life in Paradise”. You should act on this basis and put your trust in Allah.

May our Lord be your helper...

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