How would you explain marrying a girl that one does not like?

I was engaged, with the arrangement of others, with a truly religious girl who performs prayers and worships, and who pays attention to her dressing in Islamic manners. However, she did not appeal to me much at the beginning; I did not like her physical appearance. We got engaged a year ago and we will get married in 4 or 5 months. However, I am not very interested in her. Will I be unhappy in the future?

Dear Brother / Sister,

Marriage is the most valuable institution after religion; it is given to man to provide him with peace in the world and the hereafter. For, men and women, who were created with different natures and abilities, can meet their needs only by establishing a home through marriage and attain the happiness of the world and the hereafter.

Badiuzzaman Said Nursi states the following regarding the issue:

“What satisfies man’s needs most is to have a heart corresponding to his heart so that both parties will exchange their love, enthusiasm and pleasure and help each other related to distressing and sorrowful things.” (İşaratü’l-İcaz, the interpretation of verse 25 of the chapter of al-Baqara)

However, this eternal companionship, which starts with the marriage contract, includes some problems and trouble along with joy. It is essential for the spouses to get on well and to act harmoniously in order to put up with those problems.

The first prerequisite of harmony is being religious. For, “what completes spiritual harmony, hearty familiarity and intimate knowledge with the woman and makes apparent and artificial friendship sincere is the woman’s being purified and cleansed of bad morals and unpleasant traits.” (İşaratü’l-İcaz, ibid)

However, that is not enough because marriage is an institution with heavy responsibilities. What gives a person the power to fulfill his responsibilities in marriage is only his spouse, to whom he is attached with love.

Man will endure the troubles of marital life and male-female companionship only with a heart that corresponds to his heart, that is, a spouse that he will love heartily and with whom he will be happy and peaceful.

Therefore, two people who want to live together with love until the end of their lives should love each other in all aspects; they should like each other physically and they should feel an affinity for each other in the first meeting.

Besides, a person who finds his/her spouse beautiful/handsome will remain faithful and will not seek anything in others.

Therefore, according to Islam, it is essential for the husband to be equal to the wife while choosing a spouse.

This equality should be in all aspects if possible, primarily in religion and in other preferred aspects if not possible. Physical equality and beauty are among them.

However, physical beauty might not be an important criterion for everyone because the expectations of men and women from marriage are different; the expectations and priorities of individuals from marriage are also different.

While physical appearance is important for some, occupation, human nature, origin, education, economic situation, family, etc. are for more important for others.

Therefore, a person must determine his expectations from marriage, priorities and sine qua nons along with the characteristics he wants in his spouse before choosing a spouse.

One should not prefer those who do not meet his expectations because the biggest problem that awaits couples after marriage is the disappointments they experience and reaching a point of no return.

One of the aims of the engagement period in our culture is to enable the couples who want to marry to get to know each other and understand each other and to feel whether their hearts are close or not.  

In this regard, the couples who want to marry should listen to their hearts and intuitions without being under the pressure of the environment.

If they feel a problem, they should think about it again.

Are the reasons for this problem in them prejudices or the effect of the environment, another candidate in mind, or escaping from marriage by using some things as excuses? Or does he not feel warmth in his heart toward his would-be spouse not think she fits him?

If you can answer these questions easily, it is best to listen to the voice of your heart and trust the power of intuition given by Allah because sometimes our hearts and intuitions can see what the mind cannot see.

However, if you make a preference by accepting religiousness as an essential and indispensable measure, content yourself with your share, think that there are aspects in everything and keep in mind the Quranic verse stating that there may be good aspects in the things that we do not like; take care of your spouse and family. For, those who content themselves with their shares will be comfortable and find peace; and we hope they will attain the bliss in both worlds.

Questions on Islam