My husband swears a lot, what should I do?

- My husband says, “I do not trust your opinions” when a decision is made regarding our lives.” He has told me this so many times: “This is who I am. If you do not want me, you can leave.”
- He swears a lot, what should I do?

Dear Brother / Sister,

First of all, your spouse should learn the good morals of the religion and the virtues of humanity. Depending on the strength of his belief in Allah and the Day of Judgment, he might be gentler and more lenient toward his wife.

However, since everyone has their own responsibility, your reward will be great if you are patient in the face of the bad temper of your spouse. There will be peace in your family to the extent that the duties of worship, especially prayer, are performed.

In some families in our society, unfortunately, men can swear without hesitation in environments where children and women are present. Children growing up in those families do not hesitate to use those words, which have become normal in their daily lives, in their own families later when they get married because when bad words are used frequently, they become commonplace for them and are used only as an expression of anger beyond their real meaning. 

Since we do not have the opportunity here to address your husband directly, we will try to express our thoughts related to you.

It is clear from your statements that it is not only your husband’s curses or words that are causing you distress, but that your marital relations in general are not good. If there are problems in a husband-wife relationship, both parties may be responsible though the proportions vary. For example, your husband may have eighty percent of the problem, but you may probably have twenty percent. Therefore, if you first review your words and behavior and change yourself by ten percent, you can be sure that your husband will change by at least twenty percent.

From your statements, it seems that your problem is not only about your husband’s swearing or words, but also that your marital relations are not good in general.

We guess that your husband has a furious and angry nature. In that case, do not insist; try to calm him down.

Your husband probably uses the swear words he heard from his father in his family of origin at home when he is angry. In that case, first pay attention to whether your husband swears all the time or in response to any of your words or actions. If he swears in response to any of your words or deeds – whether rightly or wrongly - stay away from things that make him angry for a while.

From your words, we assume that your husband has an angry nature, but he is also a little angry with you in general. If it is as we think, his words will get better to the extent that your husband-wife relationship normalizes, her emotional closeness to you increases, and the affection between you grows stronger.

Men often become very angry when they hear reproach and criticism from their wives, but also when they are not appreciated, when their words are not heeded, when their parents are criticized, and when their private lives are not very good. We understand that your husband feels that he is criticized and disliked a lot. Being constantly criticized by you may have caused him to become extremely angry. The more you refrain from criticism in your words and actions, the less angry and the less abusive he will become.

As far as we understand, your husband thinks that he is criticized and disliked a lot. Being constantly criticized by you may have led him to extreme anger. As you stay away from your words and actions regarding criticism, his anger and hence his abusive words will decrease.

We should not forget that no one likes criticism. It does not matter whether you are a man or a woman; that is the most basic mistake causing spouses to criticize each other and to build a wall between them. Neither let your spouse criticize you, nor criticize him.

In times of anger and argument, reason and common sense are deactivated and people act only with their emotions. During this process, they do not hear the words that come out of their mouths.

No matter how justified you are, never argue with your husband at the level of a fight. If there are words or behaviors that bother you, do not respond immediately; give yourself some time, make wudu, take a walk or go to another room, and if necessary, punch the pillows or even cry; talk to him after you relax a little and after your nerves have calmed down.

If necessary, talk about the issue that is bothering you the next day. Go to him the next day, hold his hand while drinking tea or sitting and say, “Both our children and I get very upset when you swear or say harsh words. Do not do it.” Do not sulk and do not interrupt your normal duties, but keep a little distance and be sad for a few days and see how he reacts. If there is a sign of rapprochement, respond and tell him how happy you are for the step he has taken.

Probably because you express opinions contrary to your spouse’s decisions, he has developed an attitude against your decisions even if you are right. This attitude has probably turned into a stereotype over time. In other words, he may have started to think that you always oppose him and that you do not like his decisions. The way to overcome it is to express your opinion positively on the issues you have in common with him, tell him that his decision is right, express that you like his approach.

Men become very pleased to feel accepted by their wives, to be seen as competent, and to hear that they have made successful decisions.

As for the issues on which you think differently, there is no need to oppose if expressing your opinion will not change anything. You do not have to confirm a decision you believe to be wrong; it is enough for you not to dissent on that issue. That is, do not always confront your spouse; try to take him with you.

The more you improve your relationship with your husband, the more his attitude toward you will change.

The following statement of Badiuzzaman Said Nursi should guide us:

“Happy the husband who sees the wife’s firm religion and follows her, and himself becomes pious in order not to lose his companion of eternal life.

Happy the wife who sees her husband’s firmness in religion and becomes pious so as not to lose her eternal friend.

Alas for the man who becomes dissolute, which will lose him for ever that righteous woman.

Alas for the woman who does not follow her pious husband and loses her eternal blessed friend.

And a thousand woes on the unhappy husband and wife who imitate each other in sin and vice, helping one another to enter Hell-fire!” (Lem’alar, p. 197)

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