My husband is unsympathetic and rude, what should I do?

- I got married by loving my husband, but my husband raises his voice and offends me at the slightest thing. What should I do? How should I behave?

Dear Brother / Sister,

A person’s greatest wealth in this life is his/her spouse, who is his/her eternal life partner. Our Prophet (PBUH) states the following in one of his hadiths:

“An unmarried man or woman is a slacker, even if he/she is rich...” (see Kütüb-i Sitte, 15/276, Nikah Bölümü, h. No: 5625, 15/276)

However, sometimes our life partnership, which is our wealth, can turn into laziness and pain due to the mistakes made by the husband and wife unknowingly. What to do in such a situation is to show the intention and courage to face the problem, not our life partner, and to solve it, and to make our actual, dispositional and verbal prayers. First of all, we would like to congratulate you for making this effort.

In order to give a clear answer to your question, we first need to know how long your husband has been behaving like that because extreme irritability, anger and constantly offending people indicate a psychological disorder. If a husband or wife was also aggressive and angry before marriage, it is largely related to his/her personality, character, childhood traumas and relationships with his/her parents.

However, if this behavior started to appear after marriage, it means that it was directly caused by marital problems or some problems experienced in his/her outside life during this period.

It is easy to detect. If your husband behaves like that toward everyone, it is due to his personality structure. If this situation has reached a point where it will shake your marriage life, your husband had better see a clinical psychologist.

If your husband is being hurtful only to you, there are two main reasons for it. Either your husband has taken his father’s behavior toward his mother as a role model. He has developed the perception “that is how a man treats his wife”. More importantly, he believes that this is the right behavior. The target of this behavior is not actually you.

Or some of your deeds and words disturb him a lot. This situation is directly related to you. You may or may not be at fault. What matters here is the strong negative emotions your husband feels in response to your words and deeds. He may be punishing you for this because the attitudes, behaviors and words of husband and wife toward each other affect each other. If one of them does something undesirable, the other may respond similarly or more harshly, and sometimes, unfortunately, may punish him/her.

Some men avoid expressing their emotions, or they show these emotions with anger or by remaining silent instead of crying, feeling sad, or being hurt because they cannot express them fully. Therefore, there may be a serious resentment and hurt underlying your husband’s behavior.

The root of problems between husbands and wives sometimes lies in the fact that one of them interprets the other from the point of view of his or her own gender and acts accordingly. However, the Almighty Creator created them both equal as human beings but genetically different so that they would complement each other.

God Almighty created men as “guardians (qawwam)” to protect their wives and children and gave them the appropriate emotions and abilities. Therefore, men want to be seen as successful, resourceful, strong, making their families happy, working for them, in short, as their hero. In our family structure that has lasted for centuries, men have always been given those feelings. That is why boys love their mothers very much because their mothers say to them, “My brave son, mashallah, may Allah protect you from the evil eye.” And no matter what their sons do, they still forgive them and embrace them; When they see their sons, they do not complain at all; they appreciate them. In addition, their expectations are not high.

A man, who is “qawvam” by nature and who is given the emotions we have just mentioned within the family, expects a similar attitude from his wife when he gets married. In other words, he expects her to appreciate him, not to criticize him, not to offend his feelings, especially in front of others, to need his protection, to say, “I am glad I married you”, not to complain frequently not to show that she is unhappy.

A man feels peaceful and calm when he is with people who give him those feelings.

If the woman always has a complaining attitude and constantly shares negative things with her husband, the man will feel inadequate and unsuccessful. In that case, his interest in his wife decreases. By nature, a man wants to be his wife’s hero. If he cannot feel it, he builds a psychological wall between him and his wife. Many men who behave differently at home and outside have such a relationship with their wives.

In addition to all this, when men are extremely jealous of their wives, they may show this with extreme anger and harsh behavior.

- Is this attitude of the man appropriate?

No, it is not appropriate for a man to have such an attitude toward his wife, who is entrusted to him by Allah.

- So, what should a woman do in this situation?

* If a mistake has been made, a sincere “apology” can be made. Or, if there is an injustice done to you by the other party, you can be “forgiven”. It will lighten the burden for both you and your husband because as humans, we all have our own souls and devils. In addition, we are in a test; we may have made mistakes.

- What should a wife do in this situation?

* If you have done something wrong, you can sincerely “apologize”. Or if there is an injustice done to you by the other party, you can be “forgiven”. This will lighten the burden of both you and your husband. Because as human beings, we all have ego and devil. We are also tested; we may have made mistakes and faults.

In this regard, Badiuzzaman Said Nursi recommends us the following criterion.

When there is an error:

“Firstly, divine determining has a certain share of responsibility. It is necessary to deduct that share from the total and respond to it with contentment and satisfaction.

Secondly, the share of the soul and Satan should also be deducted, and one should pity the man for having been overcome by his soul and await his repentance instead of becoming his enemy.

Thirdly, look at the defect in your own soul that you do not see or do not wish to see; deduct a share for that too.

As for the small share which then remains, if you respond with forgiveness, pardon, and magnanimity, in such a way as to conquer your enemy swiftly and safely, then you will have escaped all sin and harm.” (see Mektubat, Yirmi İkinci Mektub, Birinci Mebhas).

* Briefly, the main issues that cause problems between husbands and wives are disagreements arising from family relations, problems arising from home and child management, money management, close relative relations, jealousy, insecurity and problems arising from private husband-wife relationships, or similar things. It will be beneficial for you to reconsider which problems are at the forefront in your marriage.

* Negative behavior of husband and wife is generally mutual. A person makes a mistake, and the other responds with similar negative behavior instead of correcting it. It always continues exponentially. Therefore, first of all, always continue to act positively, even if it is one-sided. You will see that after a certain time, he will refrain from giving punishment.

* Cutting off negative communication prevents events from escalating and turning into other problems. For example, a more positive and caring tone of voice without criticism or blame will have very positive feedback.

* Appreciate him/her for a while but let it be realistic. Appreciate his/her good and beautiful aspects. If you appreciate his/her compassion, kindness, abilities and strength, she will feel better around you. For example, you can give a compliment by saying, “Mashallah, how successful you are at work! Inshallah, they appreciate you at work.”

* It is best to express your appreciation in front of him/her and directly to him/her. If you cannot do it, praise and appreciate him/her in the presence of those who will tell him/her about it. Even if you appreciate him/her directly, be sure to tell others about his/her good qualities. For example, “May Allah be pleased with my husband; he never makes me and his children dependent on anyone.” Or “He is a very sincere religious person; he never misses his prayers...”

* Again, never adopt a complaining attitude for a while; do not complain about anything. If there is a problem, raise it, but not in a complaining way. For example, express your desire with statements such as “I want you to come home early” and “I know you are busy, but I really want you to pay more attention to us at home.”:

* It is a fact that it is not easy to behave this way toward a person who offends you and acts rudely. So, support your view of your husband and marriage life with positive thoughts. For example, write down your husband’s really good and beautiful qualities and focus on those good aspects often. You will see that his qualities that deserve to be loved and valued are much more than the qualities that will cause you to resent him.

* Despite everything, if there is no change at the level you desire, it will be beneficial to go to a religious family counselor.

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