Is the thought that a chaste man should not marry the first woman he sees since he does not look at women?

- The following example was given about choosing one’s spouse:

"A chaste man should not marry the first woman he sees. She will look beautiful to him. However, a man who is not chaste always looks at women and makes his choice accordingly. For instance, even an old banger would look beautiful to a person who had not seen any cars before."

- How can we solve this problem?
- What should we do to understand what is what?

Dear Brother / Sister,

- There may be some true aspects in the example. 

However, it is definitely not appropriate to make it a general rule because there are so many men who mingle with women but who cannot understand the real nature of the women they choose when they decide to marry. On the other hand, a man who has not mingled with women might understand the real nature of a woman he sees for the first time.

Both cases are possible and take place. The elements like the mind, thought, prudence and knowledge of psychology of a person play an important role in it. Besides, Allah’s predestination is in question. It is impossible to escape from what is predestined.

"…Live with them (women) on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." (an-Nisa, 4/19)

We can perceive an indication showing that married men should show consent to their qadar from the verse above.  

- The following hadith addresses men:

"A man should not hate and nurse a grudge against his wife. Even if she has some characteristics that he does not like, she also has characteristics that he likes." (Muslim, Rada, 61)

Men are asked to show respect to the family by acting patiently, sensitively, solemnly and by being free from their own desires; in addition, attention is attracted to the fact that it could be their qadar.

- Badiuzzaman Said Nursi’s following address to women is valid for men too:  

“If it is your fate to have a husband who is unsuitable for you, be content with your fate and resigned to it. God willing, he will be reformed through your contentment and resignation. But to apply to the courts for a divorce, which I have heard of recently; that is not in keeping with the honor of Islam and this nation’s good name.” (Lem'alar, p. 203)

Men may have married women that they do not like. They should not divorce them at once. Divorce is an exit door in Islam to prevent life from being a prison. However, it is necessary not to misuse it and to try to improve the marriage. 

- In terms of causes, according to Islam, it is appropriate for spouses to see each other, to look at each other’s faces, speak and even test - each other’s intellect.

The meetings for the future spouses can be arranged a few times legitimately, without allowing them to remain in a closed place alone. What they call “flirt” enables carnal desires to be active. It is necessary to avoid it.

To sum up, it is appropriate for a person to see his/her future spouse himself/herself first, and to make his/her mother sister to see him/her then and to consult sincere people after that. After acting in accordance with the advice of the hadith “Prefer religious ones; you will not have trouble”, one should rely on Allah and show their consent to qadar by signing for their life.

Questions on Islam