My mother and father often fight; what would you suggest?

The Details of the Question

- My mother and father fight for very silly reasons. They are perhaps the most ridiculous reasons you will ever hear in your life. What do you recommend?

The Answer

Dear Brother / Sister,

1) There may be conflicts from time to time in every bilateral relationship; what matters is to learn from the experiences.

As in any bilateral relationship, there may be arguments and conflicts from time to time in the husband-wife relationship. What matters is to learn from the mistakes of others as well as from one’s own mistakes and not to do the same again.

It is also a lesson that you, as an outside observer, learn due to what simple reasons your parents fight. I hope your parents will see their mistakes in time and learn to talk without fighting.

On the other hand, if there is an argument in a family, it means that husband and wife can still talk to each other. It is better for them to argue from time to time rather than being cross with each other and not talking at all.

2) The children should not take sides in their parents’ fights.

You should not take sides in your parents’ fight because although this issue deeply affects the peace of children, it is the problem of your parents in the first place.

Besides, as a child, you might not really know who is right and who is wrong. Only an expert can understand this issue.

Also, if you are a party of the fight, you will have to distance yourself from one of your parents. In that case, you will feel guilty and disturbed about it.

However, children need a healthy relationship with both their parents for their mental and physical development.

Parents can also be very offended and resentful because of their children’s involvement.

3) Never interrupt and say anything when they have fights and arguments.

They might misunderstand your intervention when they argue violently because they are very emotional and angry at that time.

They might also be unable to control their anger and scold you or say something that will break your heart.

Therefore, the best thing to do is to withdraw to your room and not witness the argument.

4) You can discuss the issue with your parents without blaming them.

You can discuss the issue with them at a dinner or tea time, or any other suitable occasion, with a calm tone of voice, without getting angry, without crying, without blaming either of them.

For example, you can speak as follows:

“Dear mom and dad! I love you so much; it is good to have a mom and dad like you but when you fight often, I get very upset and very worried. Therefore, I cannot focus on my studies. I always have your arguments and fights in my mind. Could you please argue a little less for me?”

You can also talk about how you feel and how you are affected when they fight because your parents probably do not realize how much you are affected.

Thus, if you form awareness in them, they can at least keep the fight to a minimum so that you, the children, will not be affected.

5) You can talk to your parents one by one and suggest solutions according to your age.

If you are an adult, you can talk to your parents one by one and say that they can resolve the issues they discuss with a solution-oriented communication language.

You can tell them to try to understand each other, to listen, to accept that each of them may have valid points.

In addition, it would be good for you to advise them to see a religious, competent psychologist. Since we consult an expert on every issue, it is clear that it will be a good way to consult an expert.

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