How can I get rid of the thought that my mother and father will die?

I am obsessed with the thought that my mother and father will die and this thought makes my life miserable.  How can I get rid of such thoughts?

Dear Brother / Sister,

Children are sent to the world as weak beings that cannot meet their own needs. Allah, who is their real owner, “equips their mothers and fathers with compassion and brings up and feeds children with their merciful hands”. Mothers and fathers do not feel disturbed by it; on the contrary, “they love their children with perfect compassion and mercy“ (Sözler, 32. Söz) since they are the gifts of the Merciful and Generous Being and guard them; “they sacrifice their lives for the lives of their children with perfect pleasure.”

This love, mercy and compassion make children feel so safe that they can never find such safety anywhere else; therefore, they feel happy and peaceful in the presence of their mothers and fathers. They always want their parents to be alive.

Our sublime creator placed a great feeling of love and respect in the hearts of children for their parents.

“Every child who has not lost his humanity and become a monster honors those respected, loyal, self-sacrificing friends, serves them sincerely, and tries to please them and make them happy.” (see Mektubat, 21. Mektup)

This voluntary love, compassion, mercy and respect between the parents and the child bring about family happiness, which no other institution and person can ensure. 

Thus, that house is transformed into a Paradise, asylum and sanctuary for worldly happiness.

Parents are afraid of losing their children because of this heavenly life that makes people happy and satisfies their senses of security and safety; similarly, children are worried about losing their parents, and they do not even want to think about their death.

That is a just anxiety and it is actually normal because anxiety is like an alarm system placed by the Creator in man in order to make him happy, survive and take precautions against dangers. Due this feeling of anxiety, we take care of our beloved ones more, work harder for our future, and leave the house earlier to get to the place we want on time.

If there is no anxiety, none of them will exist.

Besides, everybody may feel anxious from time to time in the course of daily life. Or, man may have a delusion that something bad will happen to him or his beloved ones for no apparent reason. Since everybody's perception of events is different, these worries man feels vary from very mild ones and to the ones at the level of panic.

If this anxiety goes out of control and reaches a level that is very intense and that disturbs the peace of the person, anxiety disorder occurs. It bothers the person psychologically. Complaints like anger, tension, sleep disorder, distraction, palpitation, shortness of breath, dyspnea and sweating may occur. Those complaints appear for a certain period; then, they weaken and disappear sometimes through professional treatment and sometimes spontaneously based on their degree.

Negative childhood experiences, genetic structure, parents' perfectionist and anxious education approach, death of a relative, fear of the possibility of the divorce of the parents or one of them being away from home for a long time, fear of being sent to a boarding school at a young age or losing the love of parents for various reasons, etc. may be the underlying reasons for this disturbing intense anxiety. In addition, not having encountered the difficulties of life due to overprotective parents may also cause extreme anxiety in a person in the face of the possibility of their death.

How to get rid of it

1) First of all, we should accept that anxiety is something human; almost everybody experiences similar anxieties at some point in their life. Today, almost everybody has anxiety, though on a small scale; besides, three out of ten people experience intense anxiety disorder. That is, it is not something peculiar to you; it is something human.

2) Remind yourself frequently that what disturbs you has nothing to do with realities. Tell yourself frequently that it is a delusion that you form completely in your mind, you suppose that it is real and then you believe it. Accepting this will allow you to proceed.

3) Do not take every thought that comes to your mind seriously; sometimes a thought is just a thought. These thoughts come and go involuntarily. They pass just like cars going very fast on the highway. You cannot prevent them. Let them pass.

4) Thoughts are sometimes like traps. Do not try to escape them but do not take them seriously either. Do not intervene. Those worries resemble a calamity! The more importance they are given, the more they grow. If you give them no importance, they die away. If you see them as big, they grow bigger. If you see them as small, they grow smaller. If you fear them, they swell and make you ill.” (Sözler, 21. Söz)

5) There are several reasons for anxiety disorder or fear of losing, as it has been explained at the beginning. Try to find the underlying cause of your anxiety because “if you do not know the nature of this kind of anxiety, it will continue and settle; and if you know its nature and recognize it, it will leave”. When you understand this, your anxiety might not disappear immediately, but since you will understand the underlying psychological dynamics related to your anxiety about your parents' death, you will both relax a bit and pay less attention to your anxiety.

6) That television series or news dramatize the lives of orphans by exaggerating or that they display foster parents as cruel people may have an effect on your anxiety. People experience the same suffering as they identify themselves with the aggrieved child. It will be useful to be more careful about those series and news.

7) Imagine the scenes that you live happily in separate houses and cities from your parents in the future. Imagine that you visit them from time to time, but return again and continue to live in your own house and work. 

8) Fear of the death of parents may sometimes originate from the feeling of inadequacy. Develop yourself in a way that suits your gender and age. As your feeling of adequacy and self-confidence improves, your fears of staying alone will decrease. We hope your fears will disappear as you get older.

9) Since it is always stated in childhood that life is full of dangers, that it is necessary not to trust anyone other than parents, and that everybody is selfish, one relies on his parents only. We perceive their death as being left alone in the face of the dangers of life; that is why we fear. Therefore, the more friends and close relatives that you can rely on you have in your environment, the better.

10) Instead of being constantly with your parents, stay in the house of a relative or friend, in a dormitory or some other trusted place for a while from time to time. Let your subconscious realize by experiencing that life continues without them too.

11) When this state, which disturbs you, occurs during the day, relax with breathing and relaxation exercises.

12) Keep your heart relaxed and put your trust in Allah; take refuge in Him.

"And if (at any time) an incitement to discord is made to thee by the Evil One, seek refuge in Allah. He is the One Who hears and knows all things." (Fussilat, 41/36)

13) Do not forget that our Lord, who is Compassionate, does not place a burden on anybody greater than he can bear. People themselves make it a burden. If Allah gives people some trouble like poverty, sickness and death, He will definitely give them patience too unless they waste the power of patience beforehand.

14) If your worries still continue to disturb you seriously after a certain time, you can easily overcome this problem by getting help from mental health professionals like a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist.

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