Will you explain the hadith of the Prophet in which he advises marrying a virgin? Does it make any difference if the man is virgin or a widower and if the woman is virgin or a widow?

- It is stated in a hadith that it is better for a man to marry a virgin instead of marrying a widow and the she will be sweeter. Is this also valid for a girl who is virgin? Should she marry a virgin man or a widower?
- Does it make any difference if the man is virgin or a widower and if the woman is virgin or a widow?
- Or is it a double standard related to girls and women?

Dear Brother / Sister,

First of all, this hadith is not a decree, but advice. Our religion does not prohibit marrying a widow or a widower.

Hz. Jabir narrates:

When I got married, the Messenger of Allah (pbuh) asked me,
"What kind of a woman did you marry (a widow or a virgin)?" I said,
"I married a widow." He said,
"Why did you not marry a virgin? You would play with her and she would play with you." [Bukhari, Nikah 10; Muslim, Rada 54, (715); Abu Dawud, Nikah 3, (2048); Tirmidhi, Nikah 4, 13 (1086, 1100); Nasai, Nikah 6, 10 (6, 61-65)]

EXPLANATION:

1. One part of a hadith is included here; there are some other details in different versions of the same hadith. To sum up, when Hz. Jabir's father died, he left seven (or nine) daughters. As Hz. Jabir puts it, he "married an experienced widow who could act as the mother of his sisters, who could bring them up and who could have authority on them, instead of marrying an inexperienced virgin and adding another girl to look after to his sisters." While returning from an exhibition, Jabir made his mount go faster in order to reach his house as soon as possible when they approached Madinah. This haste attracted the attention of the Prophet. He asked Jabir the reason for it. When Jabir said, he had just married, the Prophet (pbuh) asked, "Did you marry a widow or a virgin?" When Jabir said he married a widow, the Prophet (pbuh) gave him the advice above. When Jabir explained why he married a widow, the Prophet (pbuh) appreciated him by saying, اصَبْتَ "You did well." The woman Jabir married was Sahla Bintu Mas'ud Ibn Aws Ibn Malik al-Ansariyya.

2. SOME LESSONS TO BE TAKEN FROM THE HADITH:

* It encourages men to marry virgins. The following is stated more clearly in a narration of Ibn Majah: "I advise you virgins. Their mouths are sweeter (they do not say bad words...), their wombs are more active (they make more children), (they will easily show consent to less)."

* Hz. Jabir displayed an example of virtue by acting compassionately toward his sisters and preferring their interest to his personal pleasure; the Prophet (pbuh) appreciated him.

* If two things clash, the more important one is preferred. As a matter of fact, Jabir did so and he was appreciated by the Prophet and the Prophet prayed for him.

* The imam should be interested in the personal problems of his friends, ask about them and guide them to do good things. It may be related to marriage or an issue that one feels ashamed to mention.

* The legitimacy of a woman’s serving her husband; it is legitimate and a virtue for a woman to serve not only her husband but also her husband’s sisters, family and children. It is permissible for the husband to marry with this purpose; the woman does not serve as an obligation. However, this is the custom in human life. Therefore, the Messenger of Allah did not blame or criticize Jabir’s purpose but appreciated it.

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