Family Ties

Assalamu Alaykum wa Rahmatullahi wa Barakatuh.a

Because I want to earn Allah’s consent and avoid any behavior that might be sinful, I would like to seek Islamic guidance on a matter involving my family.

I lost my mother in 2014. About a year later, my father married my mother’s younger sister (my aunt). My aunt had three children from her previous marriages.

Over the years, life at home became quite difficult. I often felt that she treated her own children differently than she treated us and acted in a manipulative way. There were so many incidents that it is impossible for me to recount them all.

Although my father remained patient, the marriage eventually ended in divorce.

Whenever there was a disagreement during the marriage, or my aunt wanted to leave the house, I was usually the one who called her, apologized, and tried to make peace. I did this solely to preserve family harmony, even in situations where I did not actually think I had done anything wrong.

During the last breakup, he mocked me for constantly calling and begging her. That hurt me deeply.

I have not contacted her since the divorce. It is not because I hold a grudge or wish her harm. On the contrary, I feel emotionally exhausted. Reconnecting with him now would feel artificial and would only reopen old emotional wounds.

However, I know that Islam strictly forbids severing family ties. It is also said that, in Islam, an aunt holds the same status as a mother. Therefore, I fear losing Allah’s consent.

My questions are as follows:

1. After all that happened, would I be considered a sinner for not communicating with her?
2. Even though my intention is not resentment or revenge, but simply to protect my own emotional well-being, would this count as severing family ties?
3. Despite my past attempts to mend our relationship, which were met with a lack of interest from the other party, am I still obligated to maintain contact?
4. How should a Muslim balance the responsibility of maintaining family ties with the need to protect himself/herself from emotional harm?

Please explain your answer with evidence from the Quran and sound Sunnah.

May Allah be pleased with you.

Dear Brother / Sister,

Maintaining family ties (sila ar-rahm) is one of the great acts of worship commanded by Islam. Worship is performed solely for the sake of Allah; whether people reciprocate or not does not change its value.

Therefore, it is essential that you care for your aunt, inquire about her well-being, and maintain the family relationship as much as possible. Whether she shows you interest or not, or responds positively or negatively, should not be the determining factor in your attitude and behavior in this matter.

Continue to do your part, seeking Allah’s consent; She might or might not respond in kind, and that is her responsibility in the sight of Allah.

Allah Almighty has commanded the preservation of kinship ties and strongly condemned their severance.

“Serve Allah, and join not any partners with Him; and do good- to parents, kinsfolk...” (an-Nisa 4/36)

Allah Almighty also says:

“Those who join together those things which Allah hath commanded to be joined...” (ar-Rad 13/21)

The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

“The one who maintains kinship ties is not the one who reciprocates kindness. The one who truly maintains kinship ties is the one who continues to maintain ties with his relatives even when they have severed ties with him.” (Bukhari, Adab 15)

Therefore, regardless of how your aunt treated you in the past, it is more prudent and virtuous for you to fulfill your basic kinship duties toward her. Her actions are her responsibility; your responsibility is to act in accordance with Allah’s command and the Sunnah of His Messenger.

However, Islam does not command a person to constantly suffer harm. In our religion, “there is no inflicting harm and no retaliating with harm.” (Ibn Majah, Ahkam, 17)

If the interactions cause significant psychological distress and mischief, or lead to new disputes, a more limited relationship may be established without completely severing family ties.

Accordingly, within the scope of maintaining family ties, actions such as
occasionally checking on their well-being,
calling and greeting them during holidays and similar occasions,
visiting them when they are ill or wishing them a speedy recovery,
helping them in need to the best of one’s ability,  
and praying for them in their absence
can all serve as means to fulfill this duty. It is not necessary to bring up past events or try to rekindle your former closeness.

The fact that you repeatedly tried to mend the relationship in the past demonstrates your sincere efforts. If your reason for limiting communication today is not out of resentment or revenge, but to prevent further hurt feelings and harm, then this intention of yours is important. However, rather than cutting off communication entirely, maintaining at least a minimal level of family contact would be a more prudent and virtuous course of action.

The saying, “An aunt holds the status of a mother” is based on the hadith of the Prophet Muhammad (pbuh): “An aunt is in the place of a mother.” (Bukhari, Sulh, 6)

This hadith shows that a maternal aunt deserves respect and good treatment. However, this does not mean that all the rights of the biological mother are transferred to the aunt. Nevertheless, treating her well is even more virtuous, especially since she is the mother’s sister.

It is important to remember that no matter how many mistakes a child makes, a compassionate mother will not cut him out of her life; she will continue to pray for him, look out for his well-being, and keep her door open.

Remembering the Prophet Muhammad’s (pbuh) saying, “An aunt is in the place of a mother,” try to treat your aunt with as much compassion and mercy as possible. Do not sever the family ties; however, do not become upset or distressed if you do not receive reciprocation because your duty is to do what is expected of you for the sake of Allah; how she responds is her own responsibility.

By behaving this way, you will both fulfill your duty to your Lord and avoid unnecessarily exhausting yourself by basing your expectations on Allah’s consent rather than on people.

In conclusion, the criterion is this:

Regardless of the other party’s attitude, try not to completely sever family ties for the sake of Allah. In doing so, however, you do not need to constantly expose yourself to emotional abuse.

Maintaining contact, even at a minimal level, such as greeting them, inquiring about their well-being, offering help when needed, and praying for them, will help you preserve family ties and fulfill your duty in the eyes of Allah.

Leave the rest to Allah and pray because a person is responsible for his own actions, not for the actions of others.

Questions on Islam