Whom should I blame for my existence?

I am asking this question because I am in a deep struggle and seeking an honest theological perspective.
Since childhood, from the very first moments I became self-aware, I have thought, “I wish I had never existed.” Unfortunately, I do exist, and the inability to choose not to exist feels incredibly cruel to me. I feel trapped within this existence. I cannot blame my parents for it; I do not believe they specifically chose me and brought me into the world.
We believe that Almighty Allah created me. However, Allah knew, even before creating me, that I would experience this desire to cease to exist, which has persisted since my childhood. This feeling has been with me since my earliest memories. I tried turning to atheism for solace, but I could not manage it either. The laws of the universe require a Lawgiver. The order and patterns in this vast and delicately fine-tuned world make it impossible for me to deny Allah’s existence.
So, whom should I blame?
Am I responsible for all of this?
I am seeking a profound and theological answer to this existential anguish.
(Please note: I am seeking spiritual and philosophical clarity; therefore, please do not simply recommend therapy.)
I wish you peace. May Allah protect you.

Dear Brother / Sister,

Your question is profoundly deep and sincere. Questions such as, “Why do I exist?”, “Who is responsible for my existence?”, and “What would happen if I did not want to exist at all?” have occupied the minds of many thinkers, philosophers, and believers throughout human history.

First and foremost, it should be stated that accepting one’s fate is one of the most important truths that brings peace to the soul because refusing to accept it does not change the past; on the contrary, it only makes one’s burden even heavier. Just as someone who tries to take revenge by clenching a broken hand into a fist feels pain again with each move, a person who constantly resists a truth that he cannot change will ultimately harm himself.

Human existence is not accidental. It is Allah Almighty who created us. However, blaming Allah based on this truth is not an appropriate approach because blaming implies that someone has wronged another. Yet Allah does not wrong any of His servants. Human beings have not suffered any harm by being created; on the contrary, they have been brought from a state of non-existence, a state devoid of any value, consciousness, or experience, into the blessing of existence.

Let us think for a moment:

We could have been stones. We would have existed, but we would not have had a life. We would not have been able to feel, think, love, or even know what it means to be loved.

We could have been created as plants instead of stones. We would have had life, but without consciousness or free will. We would have turned toward the sun, grown, and then vanished; but we would never have experienced friendship, prayer, hope, or longing.

We could have been created as animals instead of plants. We would have moved, felt, got hungry, got thirsty, and experienced certain emotions. However, we would not have had the ability to seek the truth, question existence, distinguish good from evil, possess morality, and know our Lord.

However, Allah Almighty created us as human beings. We came into the world as beings capable of thinking, understanding, learning, loving, making choices, creating art, praying, and recognizing our Creator. We were given a mind capable of exploring the secrets of the universe, a heart capable of perceiving beauty, and a soul capable of yearning for eternity.

In fact, even the question you have asked shows how great a blessing it is to be human because only humans are beings who question their existence search for the meaning of life, and pursue the truth.

Therefore, man has two paths before him: either focus on what he does not have and live with a constant feeling of lack, or become aware of the countless blessings bestowed upon him and strive to understand the wisdom behind them. Life definitely has its difficulties, sorrows, and trials. However, these difficulties do not diminish the value of the blessings given to us.

Imagine a person who could not see; he would give anything he had in order to be able to see for just one day. Think of how deeply someone battling a serious illness would feel the value of being able to breathe healthily. We often take what we have for granted because they are always with us. Yet, thinking, speaking, walking, loving, learning, believing, and hoping are in themselves great blessings.

Therefore, perhaps the question a person should ask himself, even before “Why do I exist?” is “To what extent am I aware of all the blessings bestowed upon me?” Gratitude arises in a heart that is aware of blessings; and gratitude, in turn, changes a person’s perspective on existence. Of two people living the same life, one may constantly see his deprivations while the other finds peace by seeing the favors bestowed upon to him.

Therefore, the greatest favor a person can do for himself is to try to see his existence as a gift rather than a punishment. Naturally, we might not find the answer to every question immediately; however, reflecting on the blessings we possess helps us grasp the meaning of existence more deeply. Our duty is not to dwell constantly on the darkness of non-existence but to recognize the blessings with which Allah has brought us into existence and to try to deserve those blessings.

Another point to consider here is this:

We often judge existence through the suffering we experience. However, the presence of hardship in something does not mean it is entirely bad. Just as a student disliking an exam does not imply that education is meaningless, the suffering in life does not prove that existence itself is inherently bad.

Allah Almighty states the following in the Holy Quran:

“I have only created Jinn and men, that they may serve Me.” (adh-Dhariyat, 51:56)

The verse above shows that the creation of man is not meaningless but serves a divine purpose. Man was sent to this world not merely to seek pleasure, but to know his Lord, to turn to Him, to mature, and to prepare for eternal life.

One of the most important points in your question is this:

“Allah knew I would experience these feelings; so why did He create me?”

It is important to remember that there is a difference between Allah’s foreknowledge of something and His forcing that thing to happen. Allah certainly knew the pains you would experience, the questions you would ask, and the decisions you would make. However, His knowledge does not prevent you from choosing those things. Knowing is one thing; forcing is another.

Furthermore, the existence that weighs heavily on you today is not the place where the final judgment will be made. Worldly life is a short period of testing. Just as it is incomplete to judge the end of a book by reading only a few pages, so too might it be incomplete to evaluate the entirety of existence based on the limited experiences of this worldly life.

From another perspective, the thought, “It would have been better if I had never existed,” should also be carefully considered because non-existence is not a state that can be preferred or experienced. Something that does not exist can neither feel peace nor distress; it can neither love nor be loved. To have any experience, good or bad, one must first exist.

The pain you experience today may weigh heavily on you. However, it is thanks to that same existence that you can think, seek truth, perceive beauty, love, pray, and yearn for eternity. None of them would be possible in non-existence.

More importantly, human beings are not created solely for this world. If life were limited to a few decades on earth, certain objections regarding existence might seem stronger. However, when we consider the eternal life promised by Allah, this worldly life is like a short stop at the beginning of a long journey. The difficulties along the way do not render the great blessings to be attained at the end of the journey meaningless.

Therefore, before asking “Whom should I blame?”, it might be more helpful to ask this question:

“What meaning and responsibility does this existence impose upon me?”

Searching for someone to blame often leads to a dead end; searching for meaning, on the other hand, opens up new horizons.

Perhaps the real question is not, “Why was I created?” but rather, “What will I do with this gift of existence bestowed upon me?” This question frees man from the search for culprits and directs him toward the quest for wisdom. As for the quest for wisdom, it often brings tranquility to the heart, even when faced with questions for which the answer cannot immediately be found.

In conclusion, neither you nor your parents are the ultimate cause of your existence. It is God who created you. However, Allah’s creation is not an injustice, but a manifestation of mercy and wisdom. The wisdom behind certain truths you find difficult to understand today may become clearer on your life journey, and especially from the perspective of the hereafter.

Therefore, direct your energy not toward searching for someone to blame, but toward discovering the wisdom inherent in existence because what has been given to you is not nothingness, but existence; not deprivation, but life itself. To be human, rather than a stone, a plant, or merely an animal, to possess reason, to be capable of loving, believing, praying, and yearning for eternity is, in itself, a great blessing.

The duty of a believer, on the other hand, is to continue turning to his Lord even in the face of questions whose answers he has not yet fully grasped, to seek wisdom from Him, and never to lose hope.

May Almighty Allah grant peace to your heart, clarity to your mind, and tranquility to your soul.

Questions on Islam