Does a woman obey or submit to her husband?

- Can you explain the difference between being obedient to the husband and submissiveness? How should it be implemented in a way that does not violate Islamic rules?
- I am confused between being obedient and being submissive. I have found that those two words have different meanings. It is stated that being obedient in a relationship is different from being submissive. Lexically, obedience means accepting and obeying someone’s authority; the person who obeys has no right to question the decision or order of the authority.
- On the other hand, the word “submissive” means accepting someone as a partner and meeting the partner’s needs or desire to be a good partner with a deep intention.
- Lexically, the submissive person fearlessly gives her partner an idea, and the partner tells her to do what she wants in return, but the woman still chooses the way that will ensure her partner’s comfort.
- My main question is about the words “Obedience and Submissiveness”. Is the literal meaning of any of these two words not translated well into any language that Allah has commanded us?
- Does Allah order women to submit or to obey?
- Can you give examples about a wife’s obedience to her husband in marriage (like making coffee when he needs it), etc.?

Dear Brother / Sister,

There are certain limits in family law as in all issues; it is necessary to act according to those limits.

From this point of view, whether it is called obedience of a woman to her husband or submitting to him, the measure of it is that the woman obeys her husband and fulfills his wishes related to the issues that are in compliance with Allah’s orders and prohibitions.

Therefore, there is neither unlimited submission nor unlimited obedience.

Islamic law orders the woman to obey her husband, to be submissive to him and to live with him, within the limits of Shari’ah. It is a duty for both of them that their mutual behavior is based on love and goodwill.

We regard and understand sharing within the family as “sharing everything that is legitimate, beautiful, appropriate, good, beneficial for both parties, that is, helping each other to realize them, doing their best” voluntarily and mutually. We believe that a good marriage can only be formed and developed in this way.

If the parties stop voluntary sharing and ask the questions, “Who is superior to whom, who is under whose control, who will obey whom and to what extent, whose rights, obligations and duties are what?” and start discussing those issues, it will be clear first of all that there is a lack of trust and love.

Islam is a divine religion that was sent to ensure the happiness of humans in this world and in the hereafter. Since the existence of humans and the realization of their purpose of creation can only be in a community, there are also instructions and recommendations regarding the “order of the community” among the decrees of religion.

The smallest but most important unit of community is the family; since it is a small community, order is necessary for it; so, the positions, rights and responsibilities of family members related to one another were determined.

Those who unilaterally and by decontextualization take the advice given to ensure that family life runs smoothly, that the husband does not abuse his authority, and that the woman does not abuse her femininity, and those who persecute and oppress the other party should know that they transgress the will and purposes of Allah and His Messenger. And they should know that obedience to any human being (including husband, mother, father and those who rule the state) is not absolute. No one can be obeyed related to their unjust and illegitimate orders and requests. If a woman is mistreated by her husband, if her gentle heart is hurt by her husband, what the husband should do is to fix her broken heart by following the hadith “The best of you are those who treat their women in the best way” (Abu Dawud, Sunnah 15) and to solve the issue with sincerity and love instead of saying, “Do as I say right away; I am the chief; you have to obey me; if you do not obey me, the angels will curse you...”

The way to attain the love of Allah is to follow the Perfect Man (pbuh), whom He sent as a model, to accept him as a guide in life, and to never deviate from his path. Instead of taking some of what he said and not taking others, we should take and apply his words as a whole and by paying attention to their purpose. If it is done so and this way and method are followed, Muslims will be happy and live happily before dying or going to heaven too - to the extent that is possible in this world.

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