Most Read in the Category of Human - Society - Family

Interpreting the verse: “Marry those among you who are single” as “write an article leading those who are thinking of getting married”, my friends had been urging me to write for a long time. After Tarkan, Twin Towers, etc, it was time to write about that issue. I have my advice to the young people who are thinking of getting married. What I have written should not be regarded as my own advice; most of the therapists will agree on my advice.

Know that you are lucky. When I was young, people would not talk about that issue, nobody would give any advice. The married and mature friends of us always talked about more important issues; they would keep quiet when the issue was marriage. Those issues were not covered in religious magazines lest the minds of young people should be distracted. Therefore, we would whisper about it among ourselves: “Do you think we should marry?”, “What kind of a person should I marry?”, “There is a girl that I like but she does not perform prayers, will it be a problem?”, “Do you think I will be happy if I marry a girl that my parents will find?”

I hope you will not experience such dilemmas. Today, those issues are talked about more easily. If what I write helps you to make the right decision, I will be happy.

IS IT NECESSARY TO GET MARRIED?

Nobody is Robinson Crusoe. Even he became very happy when he found a friend. Our Prophet (pbuh), who was the most tranquil person even when he was on his own and who could be the addressee of his Lord directly, sometimes said to his wife, “O Aisha, talk to me!”; it is reported in the books. To talk, to share and to help others and be helped are perhaps the most important needs of man who comes to the world of testing on his own.

In Bediuzzaman’s words:, “What satisfies man’s needs most is the presence of a heart corresponding his heart so that both parties will exchange their loves and enthusiasm and will become partners in good things and help each other in troublesome situations.”

“Yes, a person who feels hesitant about an issue or who has deep thoughts about and contemplates something wants someone to come and share with him that hesitation and contemplation even if it is imaginary.”

“The most sensitive and affectionate heart is the heart of a woman, the better half.”

Besides, marriage unquestionably has been given great importance in every century and culture, it has been regarded as necessary and it has even been regarded holy because it does not only meet those humanitarian and lofty needs but it is also an institution that meets man’s basic needs including sheltering, feeding and reproducing. However, marriage is also the institution that is complained about the most. The people who have problems, who do not go well, and who have not been able to realize their ideals in their youth usually complain about their marriage. They complain as if they were happy when they were single or as if they were going to realize their ideals if they were not married. They get married and they complain about it, they complain about it but they do not give up their marriage. The bachelors are harmed by it. They get confused: “Should we or should we not get married?”

Do not heed them. Do not even heed me. Sometimes, I say humorous words like, “A single man is half, when he gets married, he is finished completely.” However, I know very well  and I see very clearly that my life, which passed like an aimless and fruitless pursuit when I was single, underwent a transformation like sitting at a workbench and starting production after my marriage and whatever I produced in material, spiritual and social fields all happened after I got married. (I would like to thank my wife here!). When I have a look at my old pictures, I sometimes see that young person who talks to himself, who feels distressed because of being lonely and I thank Allah for my present situation.

I participated in the National Psychiatry Congress. I saw many colleagues and friends that I had not seen for a long time. Since I had two more children one after the other after the last congress that I participated in, during the talk of most of my friends with me, we generally talked about issues like marriage, wives and children. Naturally, I was dragged to that issue too. Who got married, who remained single, who got divorced, and who has how many children? It caught my attention; whenever I asked someone “How are you?”, he smiled and said “fine” if he was married and happy and peaceful and if he had realized his aims. Whenever I asked someone who did not have a regular family life, and who walked around unhappily and confused in terms of their occupation, he answered, “ So, so, as you know, no change.”  

Therefore, I agree with the words of Badiuzzaman: “Being single is the state of the people who cannot make ends meet.”  Besides, he has a more truthful statement than my humorous words: A single man is two-thirds of man and one-third of child. A single woman is two-thirds of woman and one-third of man.” That is, marriage is necessary for men so that they will get rid of naughtiness and become mature, and it is necessary for women so that they will settle their personality.

How will you choose the person whom you will marry?

FIRST DETERMINE WHAT YOU WANT

Everybody knows that it is very difficult for a person who says, “I will do any job” to find a good and suitable job. As a matter of fact, It is difficult for him to find a job. However, if he determines what he wants, he will find a job more easily because he will know what he wants. The same thing is valid for marriage. To decide what kind of a person one wants to marry is to finish half of the task. However, in order to be able to do it, you should determine your personality, tendencies and needs first. That is, you should know yourself first.

What is important for you in mutual relations and family relations? Is it peace, sharing, support, excitement or trust? What are your priorities that you cannot give up and what are the things that you will never accept? You should determine them correctly. List your needs, expectations and conditions in at least ten sentences; have them with you and in your mind.

Of course, you should not exaggerate while doing it.

A man asks his friend:

—Will you get married?

—I will, if my conditions are met.

—What do you want?

—I want someone who is beautiful, clever, religious, rich, cultured, affectionate, serious, obedient and humorous.

—O my friend. You know that it is forbidden to marry more than one woman!

However, the joke should not make you forget my offer. You must determine what you want. Ten sentences please.

HAVING IDEALS IS NECESSARY BUT IT IS NOT ENOUGH

One of the most important points that needs to be taken into consideration while choosing one’s better half is having the same ideals. It is one of the most important issues to be taken into consideration how the person you will marry sees life, what his/her aim and standards of judgment are.

Will you lead a life in joy and pleasure or following some ideals and showing self-sacrifice when necessary? Will you aim to lead a better life with the money you will earn or will you spend it on charity and good causes? When you have a child, how will the child be grown up, what kind of education will he receive? With whom will you have relations in social life? Harmony in those fundamental preferences is an indispensable condition for a good marriage. 

If your wife listens to your ideals that you can sacrifice your life for without paying any attention, if your wife starts to sleep when she listens to the books that you read every line of very carefully and try to practice what is in them and if your wife goes to bed without performing the night prayer while you get up at night for tahajjud prayer, let alone love there will be no respect between you.

I read an interesting survey. The most common answer given to the question “What are the conditions of happiness in marriage?” by both genders was “the unity of belief and ideal”. (The other two common answers were love and sexual harmony). Therefore, the first point to take into consideration in the person you intend to marry should be whether you have the same ideals or not. That is, your spouse should be your companion in life.

Do not deceive yourself by saying, “He/she is not as I want him/her to be now but he/she will be alright in the future”. Remember the lesson taught by the verse: “Thou wilt not be able to guide everyone whom thou lovest: but Allah guides those whom He will.” Do you have a guarantee that he/she will change? Or can he/she give a guarantee? Or do you like gambling? Or do you like danger?

However, do not go over the limit while taking the harmony of ideas into consideration. It is the most important point but it is not the only important point. It is necessary but it is not enough. There is a common mistake that people who belong to the same group in terms of ideas and who live in accordance with their ideals make: to marry an inharmonious person just because one shares the same ideas as you and without discriminating between good and bad. There are a lot of people who say, “There are few people who share the same ideas as me; if I find someone who shares the same ideals, I will marry him/her without considering his/her character and qualities.” However, we should not forget that Hazrat Zayd and Hazrat Zaynab had the same ideals but it was not enough for them to be a happy couple.

Do different people not live the same ideal differently when we come to think of it? For instance, staying at home reading books and writing articles is kind of working for your ideals; so is traveling continuously and taking part in talks and activities. However, there are great differences between them. Do not make a mistake by heeding only the unity of ideals abut ignoring the harmony of personality? You will definitely find one whose character and qualities are similar to yours among those who have the same ideals with you.

AFFECTION IS NECESSARY, LOVE IS RISKY

It is almost like a classical issue of debate: Is love necessary in marriage or not? As a classical answer, everybody says, “Yes, it is.” In my opinion, affection is necessary but love is not; love is even risky. Do not oppose at once; first, we need to define the terms. Affection, in the sense that I use, is feeling the need of the person you are with, being happy to be together with him/her and tolerating his/her deficiencies. Love means to need him/her, not to be able to do without him/her and not to see his/her deficiencies. Is such a love not an unhealthy mood? How can one set up a healthy togetherness with an unhealthy feeling? Do you know that some kinds of medicine used to cure depression also decrease some exaggerated feelings of love? Love at the level of obsession can also be regarded as an illness.

However, as a result of the imposition of the clichés of the modern age, many young people regard the marriage of love as their greatest imagination. Most of those people do not see the deficiencies and inharmonious aspects of the person they are together with when they are in love and they make wrong marriages by being the slave of the enthusiastic feelings and leaving logic aside. For a person who is in love, the person he/she loves is the best person in the world, he/she is faultless and has been created for him/her; if it were not for him/her, he/she would be unhappy throughout his/her life. However, since love is a feeling and since feelings are transient, the mistakes that have not been noticed before will be seen when love starts to cool. Generally, a relationship that starts with enthusiasm ends in disappointment.

As a matter of fact, that feeling that has so many risks for the lover is very disturbing for the person to be loved. Just think of it; you say a random sentence like, “I want to get off, driver.”but your lover says, “You have made such a nice sentence.” You do something casually, your lover says, “You drink the soup so nicely.” Do you not think that to be regarded greater than you are disturbs a person? Does it not destroy the naturalness of the relationship and the sincerity of the act?

Is it not because of it that the ones loved crazily do not usually respond to love and make their lovers suffer?  Do the songs that start with, “I loved crazily, I gave my heart” not always continue as, “He/She did not love me, He/She did not give me his/her heart”? It is not a coincidence. No sane person would like to be regarded as greater than one is and he/she does not be happy when he/she receives more interest and affection than he/she deserves-except for a pleasure lasting a short time.

What is more, those kinds of unrealistic loves and exaggerated admirations place the anxiety in the loved person’s mind: “I am not as perfect as he/she thinks. What will happen when he/she notices it?” Someone who loves like that puts the loved person into  hard pressure. Those who exaggerate and exalt their loved ones cannot be moderate when they see that what they imagine is false and mortify their loved ones this time. Great expectations cause great disappointments.

If the person you are with regards you to be more valuable than you are, sees you as perfect and loves you very much, keep away from him/her.

Is a lover who loves you moderately and sees your mistakes but forgives them due to your good aspects, who does not expect exaggerated things from you, who does not force you but supports not better?

ARE YOU HAPPY WHEN YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN?

There is a famous proverb in Turkish: Two naked persons can only be in a public bath. It means when two unhappy people come together, they do not become happy. If you are not happy alone and if you can be happy only by depending on someone else, do not do so. Besides, you cannot do so. That kind of dependence will harm you. If your spouse becomes a bit ill, you will have a greater disease. When you depend on him/her much, he/she will be hurt.

Therefore, it may seem strange to you but, if you are a happy person when you are single, you will probably be happier when you get married. If you are unhappy and have a lot of problems and discontent when you are single, your dream that you will be happy when you get married will not be realistic. You should put your life in order before thinking of getting married. Do not forget: a good marriage does not put a bad life in order; a good marriage can only be made in a good life.

I may destroy the nice dreams of some people but it is a great mistake to think that all of the troubles will end miraculously. It is both illogical and risky to attribute so much significance to marriage. The person you will marry is a human being like you; he is not a prince on a white horse.

The most common outcome of that deceiving expectation in the long run (as we have mentioned above) is to blame one’s spouse if marriage does not bring happiness. I have had the following dialog so many times up to now:

—I am very distressed and unhappy, doctor.

—What do you think the reason is?

—My spouse. He has never supported me since we got married.

—Were you very happy when you were single?

—Well, I had some problems. In fact, I received a treatment when I was young.

Since those kinds of people expect their troubles to end when they get married – affected by their dreams and tales -, the continuation of the same troubles cause serious disappointment and fury. As a matter of fact, if we do not change, tomorrow will be no different from today. There is wonder in marriage but there is no miracle.

Therefore, first learn to be happy on your own and then marry. Happiness increases as it is shared.

IT IS NECESSARY TO TALK

Marriage is compromising and agreeing. As it is known, human beings compromise by talking. The person you like may be harmonious with you in terms of his/her appearance, character and lifestyle but if there exists disunity when he/she starts talking, you should be careful. Even arguing is nice if it is made appropriately but not to be able to talk is a disaster. It is very nice if your mind feels good and if 1+1 equals 3 when you talk to him/her. If you do not receive much positive contribution but you can tell him/her what you want and if you understand him/her, it means 1+1 makes two, which is all right. However, no matter how much you love him/her, it will be very hard for you if you cannot make yourself understood when you talk to him/her, that is if 1+1 does not even equal to 2, your marriage will be very difficult for you. You cannot make yourselves understood through mimicry throughout your life. If you cannot talk to him/her, you will start to talk to yourself or to others. Both of them are risky.

I do not agree with those who say, “You must marry. If you are harmonious, you will be happy; if not, you will be a philosopher.” If you marry someone whom you can address, who will enlighten your mind and enrich your ideas, you can be a saint let alone a philosopher.

WHAT IS THE USE OF FLIRTATION?

When one thinks of talking, dating and flirtation are also thought of. It is quite natural that people want to know each other. However, the period of flirtation does not always reflect the real togetherness. If flirtation takes place as if it is real life, it may give some clues as to how the marriage will go on but it is known that it has some other compensation. The period of flirtation, that is seeing each other, going out together and chatting, is a period in which a different personality from the one in real life is presented.

For instance, if a person leads a quiet and calm life for twenty-three hours on his/her own and allocates the accumulated need of chatting and walking around to the meeting of an hour, that person may act as if he/she is a very lively and entertaining person. And if the person he/she is dating is someone who is lively, outgoing and social person, he/she may seem an appropriate person. However, when they get married, that person turns out to be someone who can tolerate walking around and chatting only an hour a day and someone who loves a calm and quiet life; naturally infighting starts.

I have seen so many people who got along very well when they flirted for three or years but who were disappointed after a few months when they got married. When the life of marriage starts, it looks as if this announcement is made: “Commercials are over, now it is time for the news.”

You can say, “Well, how can one choose the person to marry without any flirtation?” As a matter of fact, in order to know somebody, so much time is not necessary. The researches show that people, especially women, can evaluate the person they meet in the first three minutes and categorize them. The features, mimics, tone of voice, speaking style and even the words that are used have important signs about the personality. Especially women evaluate those kinds of signs very well. 

For instance, suppose that you asked a person, “The weather is very nice today, isn’t it?” You will receive different answers that indicate a different type of personality each.

—Yes, the weather is really wonderful, it fills man with joy. (Lively, optimistic.)

—Do you like this kind of weather? (Interested in the person one is talking to.)

—Yes. (Controlled and reserved.)

—You are right, it is very nice, isn’t it? (Harmonious, sharing.)

—It was much nicer three days ago. (Living in the past.)

—Yes and we are stuck at home in this nice weather. (Complaining, pessimistic.)

We can deduce so many clues from one sentence. Just look at him/her well, listen carefully and evaluate the clues. Thus, it is not necessary to kiss hundreds of frogs to find your handsome prince.

KNOW HIM/HER WELL

It is the continuation of the issue above but this topic has a different significance deserving to be a separate paragraph. A person should be freed of his/her own troubles and obsessions in order to know another person well. Now think of him/her. Can you describe what kind of a person he/she is? If you cannot describe his/her personality in at least ten sentences, it means you do not know him/her well enough. (You have probably understood that we will compare those ten sentences with the description we have given at the beginning.)

If you like him/her although you do not know him/her very well, it may be related to a complex of yours that you have not noticed; be careful. Let me explain what I mean through an example:

Suppose that you are a having a financial trouble. You are in a very difficult situation. You need to find some money urgently. Meanwhile, you are introduced to a writer. He has very interesting ideas. He tells you about his latest book. However, you do not listen to his views. Why? Because your mind is occupied with the problem of money. In this situation, you can only listen to him as follows: “Did his book sell well? Has he got enough money? Will he loan me any money?” You are not interested in his ideas. Your urgent need, the problem that occupies your mind prevents you from knowing him – even if you talk to him for hours.

Similarly, suppose that you have a complex about being liked and being paid attention. You think that people do not show you the interest that you deserve. Then, if a dishonest and immoral person shows excessive interest in you, goes with you everywhere and praises you a lot, he will easily benefit from you. You will think that the person will be of great use to you for your problem that occupies you but you will not notice his mistakes and wrong actions that can be noticed easily. Then, you will complain as follows: “I could not understand that he/she was such a person”. When you are asked, “How did it happen that you did not notice those aspects of his/hers although even a small child can notice the character of a person he/she meets and talks to?”, you will answer, “I do not know. I did not notice”. As a matter of fact, the answer is clear: You were not interested in those aspects…. There was only one thing that you were interested in: your obsession.

Therefore, I say, “First, you must find out about your obsessions and solve them in order to be able to make the right choice.” Then, you should look at the person you want to marry with unbiased eyes and try to know him/her. If you cannot describe the character of that person and if you cannot answer questions like “What are those aspects of his/hers like?”, it means you must make a new evaluation. In my opinion, you should make that evaluation together with the people you trust.

CONSULT SOME WISE PEOPLE

Naturally, you will choose the person you will marry but you will find it very useful if you consult people whose opinions you trust. If you are in love (as we have mentioned above), you will not be able to make impartial comments; therefore, you must ask the opinions of experienced people who can see the issue as a third person. Do they see you as a harmonious couple? Experience is more important than you think (and than I thought when I was young).

However, you must not exaggerate here and you must make the last decision. Those who make their parents or relatives choose the people they will marry due to indecisiveness and fear of making mistakes will have no right to complain in the future. How can you be sure that those who will choose for you do not have any obsessions?

I always say, ’unfortunately, we swing between the two extremes because we are a quite dependent community and we do not exercise autonomy in our relations. On the one hand, there are families that make decisions instead of their children (young adults), that try to direct their lives and that make the mistake of seeing their children as weak people that need protection; on the other hand, there are young people who surrender to others, are afraid of undertaking responsibilities and do everything based on the decisions of others, or rebellious young people, who rejects all kinds of pressure, break ties with everyone and decide everything on their own without consulting anybody. Do you think it is too difficult to find a moderate way?    

Here, I especially want to address young people whose families do not accept their marriage with the people they love (or want them to marry people that they do not love). If your family forces you to do it due to some obsessions of theirs, try to make your family to confront them in an appropriate way. Say things like: “Mum, you want me to marry that rich man because you base your unhappiness on financial troubles; but your real problem is not money; you think that my father does not love you. Besides, look at such and such people. They are rich but they are not happy at all.”

If you explain them that your choice will make you happy sufficiently and logically, they will accept it. Nobody wants their child to be unhappy. If you say, “Their style of thinking is wrong; there is a generation gap; they do not understand me”, it means you do not talk to them sufficiently. They were young like you once; if you tell them about your problem correctly, they will definitely understand you.

The reason why I emphasize the issue very much is that I do not want you to leave debris behind you although you want to set up a happy family. The images of that debris will always be in your imagination no matter how good your marriage is. I state my opinions for you not for your family.

HOW IS HIS/HER FAMILY?

The proverb “What is bred in the bone will come out in the flesh” was not said in vain. It is very rare that daughters who are committed to their families become different from the style and personality of their parents. Therefore, a man must know the family of the girl he wants to marry first. We should add that sons may be different from their parents although the proverb says, “Like son, like father”.  

While examining the family, it is necessary to consider the relationship of the person with his/her parents. It is a psychological truth that the relationship of a daughter with her father and the relationship of a son with her mother form the basis of the relationship with the wife or husband when they marry. A daughter who is cold and distant with his father will probably be the same with her husband. A son who has adopted the affectionate identity of a housewife mother will not bear a woman who works or whose social aspect is strong. We can give other examples too: a daughter whose father is too committed to her will expect to be exalted by her husband; a son whose mother is dominant will not be happy with a passive woman.

Naturally, it is also necessary to consider the harmony between the families. No matter how harmonious the couples are, the infighting between the families will at least cause unpleasant things between the families; therefore, it will be useful to look for equality between the families too. That is, the questions: “Can our families compromise?”, “Can I be harmonious with the family of my spouse?” should be asked.

RIGHT TIMING

Wrong decisions are made at wrong times. If you are experiencing a period of crisis, never make an important decision that will affect your life. As the saying goes, “A drowning man will clutch at a straw.” We always warn our patents who are undergoing a depression: “You may not be able to make a healthy decision. Do not make any decisions until you put your life and affairs in order.” In the periods of crisis, priorities change because it becomes almost impossible to think healthily.

One of my patients who met a very active and joyful person, fell in love with her, and married her while he was in a depression, started to say, “how will I live with that frivolous and gabby person?” Another common mistake is the daughters who say yes to the first men that they want to marry them in order to be saved from the discontent in their homes; they face more discontent when they marry. As it is the case in the idiom: “out of the frying pan into the oven”.

AT WHAT AGE SHOULD ONE MARRY?

Appropriate age of marrying is also important. In terms of gender, the male matures later than the female. It is a truth that is also known physiologically. Some chauvinist men interpret it as, “Being a male is something hard.”  Joking aside, it is really difficult for a man to be mature enough to undertake the responsibility of marriage before the age of twenty-five. In a society that has dependent characteristics and young people are treated as children like our society, the age of marriage can be increased to thirty. However, it should not be forgotten that marrying late increases the risks of making some serious mistakes.

Ladies seem to be ready for marriage and motherhood at very early ages. Therefore, the generally accepted age of today, about twenty, is logical. It is possible to delay marriage to a later age due to education, etc, but it is useful for ladies to marry before the personality becomes ossified because marriage necessitates flexibility, compromise and concessions when necessary. It will be difficult to be harmonious if the age is old and the living style is settled.  

“I cannot change my temper that I have had for so many years!”

What is ideal is that the man should be between twenty-five and thirty, an age when he becomes mature enough to undertake responsibility and to guide his wife and the woman should be about twenty, when she knows herself and life and before her personality becomes ossified when they get married. Besides, an age difference of five to ten years is recommended, especially in terms of the future years.

SHOULD IT BE PERFECT?

What we have mentioned above are some factors that should be taken into consideration in order to have a good marriage. You do not have to take full marks from all of those factors that we have counted but it will be useful for you if you take all of them into consideration. Since this world is not Paradise and even some prophets have some difficulties in their marriages, it will be too optimistic to look for a perfect harmony. Do not wait until you meet a perfect person or a legendary being in order to get married.

There are many people who say,”this one lacks this and that one has too much of this, etc” and then end up with marrying someone that they will not normally even look at.

When talking about perfect harmony, I want to ask this question, “Will you believe me if I say ‘there is someone in the world who is just like you with his/her posture, characters, etc’?” You will not believe me, of course, because people were created in different forms and no two people are the same. We will see a lot of differences even in the people that we regard to be very similar when we examine them carefully. Then, let me ask you a different question, “Will you believe me if I say ‘there is a person somewhere in the world that is just like your ideal person in your imagination?”, do not believe it, either. Imaginations are like stars. We find our ways thanks to them but we cannot reach them. We can realize them in another world. It is a virtue to be content with what one has in this world.

Now let me formulate it: Do not expect a perfect one (one hundred percent); do not be content with fifty per cent; target seventy-five percent.

MAKE A CONTRACT

If you decide to marry after all those evaluations, I recommend you to write down the conditions of that decision (Not only I but all marriage therapists recommend it). It will be useful to write down the rules to be followed in marriage, who will do what kind of sacrifices in which issue, who will be responsible of doing what, in which city will the couple live and sign the contract. Thus, you will not have arguments like “Will what I say will be valid or what you say?” in your marriage life. “What we have written will be valid. What did we promise? Look! We have our signatures under it.”

It will not be useful only in solving the problems that will occur during the marriage life. In my opinion, it will primarily enable you to foresee the problems before they occur; it will probably prevent a bad marriage and correct it from the beginning; it will enable you to make right decisions. Many kinds of disharmony that may seem unimportant because of the enthusiasm of that period and about which you will say,” we will settle it down by talking; we will manage it somehow” may appear meanwhile.

For instance, write down the level of the relations with the families, how to use the goods to be obtained, the shares of the father and mother in the care and education of the children, the time to be allowed for private interests, even what to watch on television. Objections and evasions that you will never guess may arise. 

They do not arise?  Then, get married at once. May Allah give you a long lasting marriage.

Man is a forgetful creature. When he is in trouble, he says, “Allah”. When he is comfortable, he does not remember Allah; he leads his life in heedlessness. The Quran narrates it as follows:

"When trouble toucheth a man, he crieth unto Us (in all postures)? lying down on his side, or sitting or standing. But when We have solved his trouble, he passeth on his way as if he had never cried to Us for a trouble that touched him!" (Yunus, 12)

"When We bestow favors on man he turns away, and gets himself remote on his side (instead of coming to Us); and when evil seizes him (he comes) full of prolonged prayer!" (Fussilat, 51)

"When We give men a taste of Mercy, they exult thereat: and when some evil afflicts them because of what their (own) hands have sent forth, behold they are in despair! See they not that Allah enlarges the provision and restricts it, to whomsoever He pleases? Verily in that are Signs for those who believe." (Rum suresi, 36-37)

Allah is both Basit (Reliever) and Qabid (Constrictor); that is, He lets things both expand and constrict. As a manifestation of it, He gives sustenance abundantly to whomever He wants and gives sustenance scarcely to whomever He wants. Or he takes back what he gave before, through a disaster like an earthquake, flood, etc. He gives someone whom He gave scarcely in the past abundantly. They are all the necessities of the tough testing and trial on the earth. Thanking is expected from man when he lives comfortably. He is expected to be patient when he is in poverty. However, most people get spoiled when they are comfortable and complain when they are in poverty.

When people undergo a misfortune, they usually fall in despair. Actually, the state of misfortune is not permanent. Allah brings the day after the night and spring after winter; after hard times, Allah usually gives relief as it is stated in the following verse of the Quran: "Verily with every difficulty there is relief."(al-Inshirah, 5)

For instance, people who have been deeply affected by an earthquake think that they are finished and that nobody will live in that city any longer. However, after a few years, life returns to normal. Those painful days are forgotten. People start to get spoiled again when they become comfortable. The Quran narrates that weakness of man as follows: 

"He it is Who enableth you to traverse through land and sea; so that ye even board ships? they sail with them with a favourable wind and they rejoice thereat; then comes a stormy wind and the waves come to them from all sides, and they think they are being overwhelmed: they cry unto Allah, sincerely offering (their) duty unto Him, saying "If Thou dost deliver us from this, we shall truly show our gratitude!" But when He delivereth them Behold! they transgress insolently through the earth in defiance of right! O mankind! your insolence is against your own souls? an enjoyment of the life of the Present: in the end to Us is your return, and We shall show you the truth of all that ye did. “(Yunus, 22-23)

As it is seen, the beginning of the verse is a direct addressing. Then, the people on the ship are mentioned as third person. In a sense, the first part of the verse embarked them on the ship and the second part made them watch themselves. 

On such hard days, a person takes shelter in his Lord sincerely. I listened to something from a teacher-writer. He asked his atheist neighbor what he did during the earthquake on the 17^th of August. His atheist neighbor made the following sincere confession: "I said all the prayers that I remembered. I found out that I knew so many prayers!"

However, not everybody can keep that state. The state of alertness during the time of misfortune is replaced by heedlessness, rebellion and even polytheism as comfortable days start. The Quran mentions it as follows:

"When trouble touches men they cry to their Lord turning back to Him in repentance: but when He gives them a taste of Mercy as from Himself, behold. some of them pay part-worship to other gods besides their Lord.? (As if) to show their ingratitude for the (favours) We have bestowed on them! Then enjoy (your brief day); but soon will ye know (your folly). "."(ar-Rum, 33-34)

Some people who are transferred from poverty to affluence show different forms of polytheism. For instance, without remembering Allah, they say that their affluence originates from their intelligence. Or they say, “if such and such a person had not helped us, we would not have overcome that difficulty.” Or they say, “luck helped us.” An open or hidden polytheism is seen in all of the states mentioned above. A believer should feel the divine practices behind the curtain of reasons with his consciousness originating from his belief and should thank Allah.

There is a saying, “the memory of man has the disease of forgetfulness.” That is, man is forgetful. He forgets about the exemplary things that he undergoes; he forgets about the exemplary events in the history and becomes heedless. When those events happen, people come to their senses but as the time passes, the effect of the events increases and the following generations think, “they are normal events” and ignore the exemplary aspects of the events. For instance, let us have a look at the following verses:

"Whenever We sent a prophet to a town, We took up its people in suffering and adversity, in order that they might call in humility. Then We changed their suffering into prosperity, until they grew and multiplied, and began to say: "Our fathers (too) were touched by suffering and affluence."...Behold! We took them to account of a sudden, while they realized not (their peril)." (al-Araf, 94-95)

"Before thee We sent (Messengers) to many nations, and We afflicted the nations with suffering and adversity that they might learn humility. When the suffering reached them from Us, why then did they not learn humility? On the contrary, their hearts became hardened, and Satan made their (sinful) acts seem alluring to them. But when they forget the warning they had received, We opened to them the gates of all (good) things, until, in the midst of their enjoyment of Our gifts, on a sudden, We called them to account, when lo! they were plunged in despair!" (al-Anam, 42-44)

In those two verses, it is stated that hard days should eliminate the hardening of the hearts. When the solid iron is put into strong fire, it softens and even becomes liquid. Similarly, on days like that the heart of man becomes softened. However, the hearts of many people continue to remain as heart due to the tricks of Satan.

Marriage and Family Life 1
God has created humanity as His vicegerent on Earth in order that human beings might populate and rule it. Obviously this purpose cannot be realized unless humanity perpetuates itself, living, thriving, cultivating, manufacturing, building, and worshipping its Creator. Accordingly, the Creator has placed certain appetites and impulses in humanity so that its members are impelled toward activities that guarantee humanitys survival. The Quran declares:

Men innately feel a passionate attraction toward women, children, treasures of gold and silver (money hoarded), branded horses, cattle, and plantations. Such are the enjoyments of the life of this world; yet with God is the best of the goals to pursue. (3:14)

God has inculcated such impulses in human nature so that humanity could survive on Earth and evolve spiritually and mentally by disciplining them to transform each one into a virtue in order to develop into being a true, perfect human from being only potentially human. Humanity is not like other species, for it has been created with a different disposition, multiple potentialities, and various mental and spiritual faculties. So, there must be a significant purpose behind its creation. To realize this purpose and being perfected require selfdiscipline. Islam is the name of the set of principles for that selfdiscipline.

According to Imam al-Ghazzali, Islams legal principles seek to protect and secure five basic values in human life, namely, religion, life, intellect, personal property, and reproduction, and forbid acts that will nullify them. When we consider the Divinely established prohibitions (e.g., unbelief, hypocrisy, associating partners with God, apostasy, killing a person, taking intoxicants and drugs, usurpation, theft, adultery, fornication, and homosexuality), we can deduce that they have been given to protect and secure those values. In order to secure these values for a virtuous life based upon justice, the observation of mutual rights, mutual helping, and righteousness, we also see that Islam has taken some measures and precautions. As regards marriage and family life, we can point to the following:

Prohibition of Approaching Adultery and Fornication. Islam prohibits illegal sexual relationships, for they lead to a confusion of lineage, child abuse, family breakups, bitterness in relationships, the spread of venereal diseases, and a general laxity in morals. Moreover, it opens the door to a flood of lust and self-gratification. Gods command: And do not approach adultery and fornication; indeed, it is an abomination and an evil way (17:32) is absolutely just and true.

Prohibition of Privacy between a Man and a Woman Who Are not Married to Each Other. Islam prohibits a man and woman who are not married to each other from being alone together in a private place where there is no fear of being interrupted by someone else. This is done to prevent such illicit sexual activities as touching, kissing, embracing, or having sexual intercourse.
Looking with Desire at the Opposite Sex. Islam prohibits people from looking lustfully at people of the opposite sex, for the eye is the key to the feelings, and the look is a messenger of desire. The Quran declares:

Tell the believing men that they should lower their gazes and guard their chastity; that is purer for them. God is wellacquainted with what they do. And tell the believing women that they should lower their gazes, guard their chastity, and not display their adornment, except that which is apparent of it, and that they should draw their head-coverings over their bosoms. (24:30-31)

Looking at the Private Parts of Others. Islam defines the private parts as those parts of the body that must be covered in front of others. For men, this is the area between the navel and the knees, which other men and women are not allowed to see. For women, this area is her whole body, except her face, hands and, according to some scholars, her feet. This prohibition applies to all men who are allowed to marry the woman in question.

Muslim, Abu Dawud, and al-Tirmidhi report from Gods Messenger: A man should not look at the awra (private parts) of another man, nor a woman of a woman, nor should a man go under one cloth with another man, nor a woman with another woman.
Islam equipped and adorned Muslim men and women with chastity, dignity, selfrespect, and modesty, while most of the men and women of the ages of ignorance were and have been vain, showy, and anxious to display their attractions.

Sexual Perversion: A Major Sin. Islam, while regulating ones sexual drive, has prohibited illicit sexual relations and all ways that lead to them, as well as homosexuality. Homosexuality is considered a reversal of the natural order, a corruption of male sexuality, and a violation of the rights of women. The spread of this unnatural practice disrupts a societys natural life. It also makes those who practice it slaves to their lusts, thereby depriving them of decent taste, decent morals, and a decent manner of living. The Quranic account of Prophet Luts (Lot) people should be sufficient for us.

No Monasticism. Although Islam is against sexual license, and thus prohibits fornication and adultery and blocks all ways leading to them, it does not seek to suppress the sexual urge. Therefore, it encourages people to get married and prohibits renunciation and castration.

Muhammad Abu Zahra, a modern scholar, defines marriage as follows: Marriage is a contract that results in the man and woman living with each other and supporting each other within the limits of what has been laid down for them in terms of rights and obligations. Ibn Uthaymin adds: It is a mutual contract between a man and a woman, whose goal is for each to enjoy the other, become a pious family and a sound society.

The Purpose and Goals of Marriage
Like anything a Muslim does, marriage should be undertaken only after gaining an understanding of what God has prescribed in terms of rights and obligations, as well as gaining an understanding of the wisdom behind this institution. Nearly all peoples and societies practice marriage in some form, just as they practice business. Umar ibn al-Khattab used to expel people from Madinas marketplace if they did not know the Islamic rules of buying and selling. Likewise, Muslims should not engage in something as important as marriage without understanding its purpose or having a comprehensive understanding of the ensuing rights and obligations.

One of marriages most important purposes is to continue and increase the Muslim communitys population. Clearly, this goal could be achieved without marriage, but when actions are undertaken in disobedience to God, they do not receive His blessing and corrupt society. The goal is not just to produce children for the next generation, but to produce righteous children who will obey God, serve the people, and be a source of reward for their deceased parents.

Islam takes humanitys natural instincts and needs into consideration. It is not like the human-made (or modified) religions or systems that place unnatural constraints on people or set them free without any restrictions. Men are inclined toward women, and women are inclined toward men. Marriage fulfills this desire and channels it in ways pleasing to God and befitting humanitys honor and mission in life.

The desire of men and women for each other needs to be fulfilled. If left unfulfilled, it will be a source of discord and disruption in society. For this reason, Gods Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, ordered all men who can meet the responsibilities of marriage to get married: Whichever of you is capable should marry, for it will aid him in lowering his gaze and guarding his body (from sin). As for one who is not capable, fasting is his protection.



Men and Women To Be Preferred in Marriage:
Making sure that Muslims are well-matched to their spouses is a most important matter. Those who want to get married must have their priorities straight and be clear on what characteristics are most important in ensuring a marriages success. Many characteristics are important in a husband or a wife, but some are far more important than others. Gods Messenger said: A woman is married for the excellence of her religious belief and life, her wealth or her beauty. You must prefer the one with an excellent religious belief and life. (Canan, a.g.e., 17:190) Thus, the first thing to be sought for in a potential spouse is excellence of religious belief and life.

Character is of extreme importance, and goes hand in hand with belief and piety. The Messenger described it as the purpose of his mission: I have only been sent to perfect good character or morality (Tabarani, Mu'jam al-Awsat, 7:74) and That which will weigh the heaviest in the Balance in the Hereafter is good character (Tirmidhi, 61, HN:2070). Believers with the most perfect belief are those with the best character.

Gods Messenger advised marrying childbearing women and preferring virginity, and said that a virgin woman is more likely to be pleased by a man and less likely to be devious and deceiving. Scholars stress that this good attribute applies to both the husband and the wife. Especially if it is each persons first marriage, both the man and the woman should be virgins.

Beauty has a certain undeniable role to play, since one of marriages purposes is to keep both spouses from sin. The best way to do this is to have a strong attraction between the spouses. However, this is something that surely grows over time, and in some cases first impressions can become an obstacle to a successful marriage.

Recommended Steps. The following are important steps for those who want to get married and for those seeking to facilitate a marriage.

* The entire process, in order to be successful with Gods blessing, should be proper and consistent with the teachings of the Quran and the Sunna.
* Both spouses should seek to get married purely for Gods good pleasure, fulfill the purpose of marriage, and put their full trust in God.
* If they do everything properly and in accordance with the rules of Islam, God will grant them a successful marriage.
* Both the man and the woman are allowed to see their perspective spouse before taking further steps.

Prohibited Proposals and Idda for Women. A divorced or widowed woman cannot remarry during her idda (the waiting period during which she is not allowed to remarry) and a man cannot propose marriage to such a woman, for this waiting period is part of the previous marriage and must not be violated.

A pregnant womans idda ends when she delivers the baby. If she is widowed but not pregnant, her idda is 4 months and 10 days. If she is divorced and it is not known if she is pregnant, her idda is three menstrual cycles. This idda relates to women who have menstrual periods; for women who do not menstruate, the idda is 3 months.

The Girls Consent. A girl has the right to decide about her marriage, and her father or guardian cannot override her objections or ignore her wishes.

Women to Whom Marriage Is Prohibited
Muslim men cannot marry women who belong to one of the following categories: The fathers wife, whether divorced or widowed (this prevents any sexual attraction between the son and his stepmother, who should develop a relationship of respect and honor between themselves), the mother (including grandmothers on both sides), the daughter (including granddaughters from the son or the daughter), the sister (including half- and stepsisters), the paternal aunt (whether she is the fathers real, half-, or stepsister), the maternal aunt (whether she is the fathers real, half-, or stepsister), the brothers daughter (his niece), and the sisters daughter (his niece).



Marriages Prohibited by Reason of Fosterage. These are as follows:

* The foster mother: Muslim men cannot marry women who suckled them during their infancy, even if it was only for one time. Although some jurists opine that in order for such a woman to be forbidden she must have suckled him five or even seven times, in order to avoid committing a sin they must not be allowed to marry each other.
* Foster sisters: Just as a woman becomes a mother to a child by virtue of suckling, so do her daughters become his sisters, her sisters his aunts, and so on. Tirmidhi (Rada, 1) reports from the Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, that: What is forbidden by reason of genealogy is forbidden by reason of fosterage. Thus, marriage to fostersisters, foster-aunts, and foster-nieces is forbidden.
* In-Law Relationships. These are as follows:
o The mother-in-law: Marriage to the wifes mother is prohibited from the time a man marries a woman, whether he and his wife have engaged in sexual intercourse or not. The act of marriage itself gives the mother-in-law the same status as the mother.
o The stepdaughter: A man cannot marry his stepdaughter if he has had legal sexual intercourse with her mother (his wife). However, if a man divorces his wife before consummating the marriage, he may marry his stepdaughter.
o The daughter-in-law: This woman is the wife of the real son, not of the adopted son. In fact, Islam abolished legal formalized adoption, because it is contrary to fact and reality, and results in prohibiting what is essentially lawful and permitting what is essentially forbidden.
* Sisters and Aunts as Co-Wives. As opposed to the pre-Islamic practice, Islam forbade taking two sisters as co-wives and being married at the same time to a woman and her maternal and paternal aunt.
* Married Women. A woman can only be married to one man at a time. She may marry another man only if her husband has died or she has been divorced, or if she has completed her Iydda (the period of waiting before remarrying).
Female Idolaters. Muslim men cannot marry women who practice idolatry (associating partners with God in His Divinity or Lordship).
* Marrying Women of the People of the Book. Islam allows Muslim men to marry Jewish or Christian women, for they are considered People of the Book (Jews and Christians), or people whose tradition is based upon a Divinely revealed Scripture.
* Prohibiting Muslim Women from Marrying Non-Muslim Men. Muslim women cannot marry non-Muslim man, regardless of whether they belong to the People of the Book or not.
* Women Who Engage in Fornication. Islam forbids marrying women who are engaged in prostitution, adultery, and fornication. If one has engaged habitually in such activities or is a prostitute, other people are forbidden to marry them. But if one has committed it only once or twice and is not a prostitute, it still is highly advisable not to marry them. However, it is not forbidden to do so. God permits Muslims to marry chaste believing Muslim, Jewish, or Christian women. Similarly, He has made marriage lawful to men on the condition that they seek it in honest wedlock, not in lust (4:24).

Temporary Marriage (Muta)
Islam considers marriage a strong bond and a binding contract based upon both partners intention to live together permanently in order to attain, as individuals, the benefit of the repose, affection, and mercy mentioned in the Quran. In addition, its purpose is to attain the social goal of reproduction and perpetuation of the human species:

God has made for you spouses of your own kind, and has made for you from your spouses children and grandchildren, and has provided you with pure, wholesome things. Do they, then, believe in falsehood and associate partners with God in denial of His blessings? (16:72)

Temporary marriage (muta), which is contracted by two people to marry for a specified period of time in exchange for a specified sum of money, does not realize the above-mentioned purposes of marriage. Thus, there is no room for it in Islam.



The Marriage Contract (Nikah):
Islam views marriage as a contract. Thus, as with any contract, several elements are considered essential to its existence. Each of these should be understood properly to ensure that the marriage is performed properly and that each spouse receives his or her full rights.

All the scholars agree that one essential act is the offer and acceptance, for no marriage contract is valid without it. Either party can initiate this process. The presence of two witnesses and the dowry paid by the husband are necessary elements as well.
Conditions for a Sound Marriage Contract. These conditions are as follows:

* The woman cannot be one of those forbidden to the man by relation, nursing, or any of the other preventing factors mentioned above.
* The offer and acceptance is permanent and certain. If anything in the contract indicates something of a temporary and uncertain nature, the marriage is invalid. This is why the words of acceptance must be in the past tense, which expresses certainty.
* Two credible witnesses must be present, and the marriage should be announced and publicized.
* Both parties have willingly accepted the marriage.
* The bride and groom are identified and known.
* Neither of the contracting parties are in the state of ihram.
* The parties and witnesses are not bound to keep it quiet.
* The presence of the womans guardian or representative (waliy). The waliy is a Muslim man charged with marrying a woman entrusted to his care to a man who will be good for her.
* The man and woman must be legally competent (i.e., adult and sane). If they are not, the marriage is invalid. The woman cannot be from any category of women that her intended spouse cannot marry. For example, suppose the couple get married and he then learns that they had been breastfed by the same woman. In this case, the marriage becomes null and void, because their breast-milk relationship disqualifies them from marrying each other.

The offer and acceptance of the contract must be done in one sitting. In general, this means that the response must be immediate. The acceptance must correspond to what is being offered, and the marriage must be effective immediately.

The bride must receive a dowry (bridal-due [mahr>).

Mahr (Dowry or Bridal-Due). The groom gives the mahr only to the bride to honor her, show his respect for her, his serious desire to marry her, and his sense of responsibility, obligation, or effort to her. The Quranic injunction: Give to the women (whom you marry) their bridal-due all willingly and without expecting a return (4:4) is addressed to either the husband (because it is his duty to give it) or to the guardian (because before Islam came they used to keep a womans dowry for themselves). This verse shows that this particular pre-Islamic custom was no longer permitted. The exact amount of the dowry has not been determined, for the groom should pay it according to his capacity or wealth. The regions customs also are considered in determining its amount.

Fulfilling Agreements. Generally speaking, Muslims must comply with any agreements that they make. God says about the believers: They fulfill their covenant when they have engaged in a covenant (2:177) and orders them: O you who believe, fulfill the bonds (you have entered in with God and people) (5:1). Gods Messenger mentioned breaking ones promise and covenant as among the signs of hypocrisy.

Wedding Ceremony and Feast. It is permissible, even advisable, to arrange a wedding ceremony within an Islamic framework. The husband is required to sponsor the wedding feast, which can last for 3 days, after the marriage contract.



Mutual Love, Mercy, Respect, Understanding, and Thankfulness
The Quran declares:

O humanity, avoid disobedience to your Lord, Who has created you from a single original human self, and from it created its mate, and from the pair of them scattered abroad a multitude of men and women. (4:1)

The original expression translated as a single original human self is nafs wahida (literally, a single self or soul). Nafs has two cardinal meanings: a beings self, and the animating energy or faculty that is the source of each persons and jinns worldly life. Considering both meanings together, nafs wahida is understood to mean a single original human self.

This point is very important to understanding the nature of the male-female relationship. The Quran points out this very point: And of His signs is that He has created for you, from your selves, mates, that you might repose in them, and He has engendered love and mercy between you (30:21); God has given you, from your selves, mates, and He has given you, from your mates, children and grandchildren (16:72); The Originator of the heavens and Earth; He has given you, from your selves, mates, and from the cattle mates (42:11). What these refer to by your selves is the human kind, self, or nature. In addition, they indicate that everything in the universe was created in pairs: And everything We have created in pairs (51:49).

However, these verses do not mean that by being the two halves of a perfect unit, men and women are identical or the same. While a womans rights and responsibilities are equal to a mans, they are not necessarily identical with them. Equality and sameness are two quite different things. This difference is understandable, because men and women are not identical but are created as equals. Bearing this in mind, there is no problem. In fact, it is almost impossible to find even two identical men or women.

This distinction between equality and sameness is vital. Equality is desirable, just, and fair; but sameness is not. People are created as equals, and not as identical to each other, and so there is no basis to consider a woman to be inferior to a man. There is no reason to assume that she is less important than he just because her rights are not identical to his. Had her status been identical with his, she would have been no more than a duplicate of him, which she is not. The fact that Islam gives her equal – but not identical – rights shows that it takes her into due consideration, acknowledges her, and recognizes her independent personality.

In: And of His signs is that He has created for you, from your selves, mates, that you might repose in them, and He has engendered love and mercy between you (30:21), the Quran stresses that male-female relations are – and must be – based upon mutual love and mercy. What satisfies the needs of a human being the most is having an intimate life companion with whom one can share love, joy, and grief. However, we should acknowledge that a womans heart is the most compassionate, loving and generous of all hearts. This is why the Quran stresses mens inclination toward and attachment to women, rather than the other way. In fact, it states that the most beautiful blessing in Paradise for a man will be a pure woman.

On the other hand, the Quran also says: Men (who are able to perform their responsibilities) are the protectors and maintainers of women, for God has endowed some of the people with greater capacity than others (in some respects) and that they (men) spend of their wealth (for the familys maintenance) (4:34). This verse is highly significant with respect to male-female relations and family law, and draws attention to the following cardinal points:

God has not created all people exactly the same in all respects; rather, He has given each superiority in some respect to others, as required by social life, the division of labor, and the choice of occupation. Although it is not true to the same degree for all men and women, as He has created men superior to women in some respects, He also has given women superiority over men in others. For example, God has given men greater physical strength, endowed them with a greater capacity for management, and has charged them with the familys financial upkeep. This is why He has made men the head of the family. However, this does not mean that men have absolute authority over the family, for this authority must be exercised according to the Prophetic principle: The master of a people is he who serves them. In addition, responsibility is proportionate to authority and authority is proportionate to responsibility.

In short, Islam proposes a male-female relation based upon mutual love, mercy, understanding, and respect. It also exhorts the couples to be thankful to each other for their kindness and efforts to please each other. Such things should be fundamental in any marriage. Each spouse should acknowledge the others efforts, show them gratitude, and repay them with kindness.

Islam is primarily concerned with enabling people to attain the status of true humanity or perfection. Its legislation is based upon this cardinal point, and it considers legal rules or laws only as a means of reinforcement.

The Wifes Rights. These are as follows: receipt of a dowry, support or maintenance, kind and proper treatment and due respect, marital relations, privacy, justice between multiple wives, to be taught Islam, defense of her honor, and not revealing their secrets to others.

The Husbands Rights. These are as follows: enjoying due respect for being responsible for bringing up and maintaining the family, and marital relations. In addition, she must not allow in the house anyone of whom he disapproves, leave the house and go to places of which he disapproves without his permission, or undertake a voluntary fast without his permission. She also must defend his honor and not disclose their secrets to others.

Housework. The above-mentioned rights are noncontroversial and agreed upon by scholars. The wifes duties in the house (e.g., cooking, cleaning and generally serving her husband in the house), however, have been the subject of debate. While this has been the traditional Muslim custom, given that the man is obliged to look after the entire family, it is considered as ihsan (good treatment and excellence) for the wife to do the housework and meets her husbands needs (e.g., sewing, ironing, cooking, and taking care of the babies).

Sex. The Quran does not neglect humanitys sensual aspect and the married couples sex life, for it guides humanity to the best path and enables them to fulfill their sexual urges while avoiding harmful or deviant practices.

It is reported that the Jews and Zoroastrians would go to extremes in order to avoid any physical contact with menstruating women. For example, Jewish laws and regulations are extremely restrictive in this regard. The Old Testament considers a menstruating woman unclean and impure. Moreover, her impurity infects other people, for whoever or whatever she touches becomes unclean for a day (Leviticus 15:19, 23). Thus a menstruating woman was sometimes banished to the house of impurity so that no contact with her would be possible during this time. The Talmud considers a menstruating woman fatal, even without any physical contact, whereas Christians will have sex with such women. The pre-Islamic Arabs would not eat, drink, or sit with menstruating women and would send them to separate dwellings, just as the Jews and Zoroastrians did.

When some Muslims asked the Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, about menstruating women, God revealed:

(O Messenger,) they also ask you about (the commands concerning) the monthly course (of their wives). Answer (them): Menstruation is a state that causes suffering and ritual impurity, so avoid women during menstruation and do not approach them until they are cleansed. After they are cleansed, (you can) come to them as required by the inherent urge that God has implanted in your nature and within the rules that He has established. God loves those who turn to Him in sincere repentance of their errors and improve themselves, and try their best to cleanse themselves. (2:222)


What is meant by avoid women is sexual intercourse or benefiting from their genitals. Thus a man can fondle and enjoy his menstruating wife, avoiding only the place of hurt. Islams position, as in all other matters, is a middle one between the two extremes of banishing a menstruating woman from the house and of having sexual intercourse with her.

Islam has established no rules concerning the way or position of intercourse. However, it has forbidden anal sex.

Contraception. Marriages primary objective is to preserve humanity through continued reproduction. Accordingly, Islam encourages large families and blesses both boys and girls. However, family planning is allowed for only valid reasons and recognized necessities. At the time of the Prophet, the common method of contraception was coitus interruptus (withdrawing the penis from the vagina just before ejaculation, thereby preventing the influx of semen). The primary valid reason for contraception is that the pregnancy or delivery might endanger the mothers life or health. Past experience or a reliable physicians opinion should guide the couple in such matters.

Abortion. While Islam permits preventing pregnancy for valid reasons, it does not allow terminating the pregnancy once it occurs. Muslim jurists agree unanimously that abortion is forbidden after the fetus is completely formed and has been given a soul, which is, according to the hadiths, about 6 weeks after contraception (Muslim, Qadar, 3). This is considered a crime under Islamic law, for it is an offense against a complete, live human being. Jurists insist that blood money (diyat) must be paid if the baby was aborted alive and then died, and that a lesser amount must be paid if it was aborted dead. There is only one exception, according to the jurists: If, after the baby is completely formed, it becomes clear that continuing the pregnancy will cause the mothers death, the couple has recourse to the general Islamic legal principle that the lesser of the two evils should be chosen. In such a case, the fetus must be aborted.

Artificial Insemination. Islam safeguards lineage by prohibiting adultery and fornication (zina) and legal adoption, thus keeping the family line clear and uncontaminated by any foreign element. Thus, artificial insemination is forbidden unless the donor is the husband.



Polygamy
Islam is a way of life consonant with human nature, provides human solutions to complex situations, and avoids extremes. This characteristic can be observed most clearly in the issue of polygamy, which Islam allows only to resolve pressing individual and social problems. Many peoples and religions prior to Islam permitted marriage to as many women as one desired. Islam, on the other hand, laid down definite restrictions and conditions.

Some people criticize Islam wrongly as being polygamous. However, such criticisms are not justifiable for several reasons, as follows:

* Polygamy is an ancient practice found in many societies. The Bible does not condemn it, and the Old Testament and rabbinic writings frequently attest to its legality. King Solomon and King David had many wives and concubines (2 Samuel 5:13). According to Father Eugene Hillman in his insightful book, Polygamy Reconsidered: Nowhere in the New Testament is there any explicit commandment that marriage should be monogamous or any explicit commandment forbidding polygamy. Moreover, Jesus did not speak against it, even though it was practiced by the Jews of his society. Father Hillman stresses that the Church in Rome banned polygamy in order to conform to the Greco-Roman culture (which prescribed only one legal wife while tolerating concubinage and prostitution). The Quran, contrary to the Bible, limited the maximum number of wives to four and mandated equal and just treatment for each wife. The Quran does not encourage polygamy or consider it an ideal. Rather, it tolerates or allows it and no more, for the following reason: There are places and times in which there are compelling social and moral reasons for polygamy. Islam, as a universal religion suitable for all places and all times, could not ignore such compelling obligations.
* In most societies, women outnumber men. For example, America currently has at least 8 million more women than men. What should be done about such unbalanced sex ratios? There are various solutions, such as lawful polygamy or celibacy, female infanticide (which still happens), or sexual permissiveness (e.g., prostitution, extramarital sex, and homosexuality). This problem becomes truly problematic at times of war. Native American Indian tribes used to suffer highly unbalanced sex ratios after wartime losses. Their women, who enjoyed a fairly high status, accepted polygamy as the best protection against indulgence in indecent activities. After WWII, there were 7.3 million more women than men in Germany (3.3 million of them were widows). Many needed a man for companionship as well as to provide for the household in a time of unprecedented misery and hardship. What is more dignifying for a woman: to be an accepted and respected second wife or a virtual prostitute? In 1987, a poll conducted by the student newspaper at the University of California at Berkeley asked students whether polygamy should be permitted as a way to deal with a perceived shortage of marriageable men in California. Almost all of the students polled approved of this idea.
* Polygamy continues to be a viable solution to some of the social ills of modern societies. In his provocative Plural Marriage for Our Time, Philip Kilbride, an American anthropologist of Roman Catholic heritage, proposes polygamy as a solution to some of Americas social ills. He argues that plural marriage may be a potential alternative for divorce, in many cases, in order to obviate divorces damaging impact upon children.
* Polygamy is quite rare in many contemporary Muslim societies, for there is no large gender imbalance. In fact, one can say that the rate of polygamous marriages in the Muslim world is far less than the rate of extramarital affairs in the West. In other words, Muslim men are far more monogamous than their Western counterparts.

Billy Graham, the eminent Christian evangelist, has recognized this fact:

Christianity cannot compromise on the question of polygamy. If presentday Christianity cannot do so, it is to its own detriment. Islam has permitted polygamy as a solution to social ills and has allowed a certain degree of latitude to human nature but only within the strictly defined framework of the law. Christian countries make a great show of monogamy, but actually they practice polygamy. No one is unaware of the part mistresses play in Western society. In this respect Islam is a fundamentally honest religion, and permits a Muslim to marry a second wife if he must, but strictly forbids all clandestine amatory associations in order to safeguard the moral probity of the community. (Abd alRahman Doi, Woman in Shari'a, London 1994, 76.)

* There are even psychological factors calling for polygamy. For example, many young African brides, whether Christian, Muslim, or otherwise, prefer to marry a married man who has already proved himself to be a responsible husband. Many African wives urge their husbands to get a second wife so that they do not feel lonely. A survey of over 6,000 women, ranging in age from 15 to 59, conducted in Nigerias second largest city showed that 60 percent of them would be pleased if their husbands took another wife. In a survey undertaken in rural Kenya, 25 out of 27 women considered polygamy better than monogamy and felt that it could be a happy and beneficial experience if the cowives cooperated.
* Modern civilization rejects polygamy as unwise and harmful to social life. As observed even in animals and plants, the cardinal purpose for and wisdom in sexual relations is reproduction. The resulting pleasure is a small payment determined by Divine Mercy to realize this duty. Marriage is for reproduction and perpetuation of the species. Being able to give birth at most once a year, to become pregnant during half of a month, and entering menopause around 50, one woman is usually insufficient for a man, who can sometimes impregnate until the age of 70 or more. That is why, in most cases, modern civilization is obliged to admit prostitution. Even if the purpose of marriage were sexual gratification, polygamy would be a lawful way to realize it.

The condition that Islam lays down for permitting polygamy is that the husband be able to treat each wife equitably as regards food, drink, housing, clothing, expenses, and spending time with them. Any man who feels that he cannot fulfill such obligations justly cannot have more than one wife: But if you fear that you will not be able to do justice (among them), (marry) only one (4:3).



Inheritance and Women
Since Biblical days, Judaism has given no female members of the household, including the wife and daughters, the right to inherit any part of the family estate. In the more primitive inheritance process, the women of the family were considered part of the estate and as remote from any legal personality of an heir as was a slave. Under rabbinic law, daughters could inherit if there were no male heirs. However, even in such conditions the wife could not inherit anything. Why were the women of the family considered part of the estate? Because of the attitude: They are owned – before marriage by the father, and after marriage by the husband.

Christianity followed suit for long time. Both the ecclesiastical and civil laws of Christendom barred daughters from sharing with their brothers in their fathers patrimony. Wives also had no inheritance rights. These laws survived until late in the twentieth century.

Among the pre-Islamic Arabs, inheritance rights were confined exclusively to the male relatives. Islam also made a great revolution in this respect, for the Quran declared:

For the male heirs is a share of what parents and near kindred (who die) leave behind, and for the female heirs is a share of what parents and near kindred (who die) leave behind, whether it (the heritage) be little or much – a share ordained by God. (4:7)

This short verse contains the basic principles of the Islamic law of inheritance and a significant warning:2

* Both women and men have a share in the inheritance.
* A deceased persons property is inherited, whether it be little or much.
* It makes no difference whether the inherited property is movable or immovable.
* The survivors (e.g., parents, grandparents, and nearest relatives) can inherit. If there are any nearest kindred, collateral relations cannot inherit.
* Heirs cannot be deprived of their share of the inheritance.


The significant warning is: Women in pre-Islamic, idolatrous, Christian, and Jewish societies could not inherit. By mentioning female heirs separately, but in the same words as it mentions male heirs, at the risk of repetition and emphasizing that the estates size does not matter, the verse warns that women cannot be deprived of their share of the inheritance on such pretexts as the estate is too small.

Then, the Quran details the laws for inheritance (4:11-12). Its basic principles and standards were laid down, and its precise details were established on these standards, the Prophets practice, and that of his Companions.

With the exception of the parents, and the siblings in some cases, a son receives twice as much as a daughter, a brother twice as much as a sister, and a husband twice as much as a wife. This has been the target of unjust objections. However:

* First, it should be noted that Islam is not a religion that answers objections, for whatever it decrees is right and just. Therefore, all other religions, systems, and ideologies must design themselves according to the Islamic precepts. So while explaining Islams position in matters to which objections have been raised, we intend to illuminate sincere minds.
* Second, the verses present Islams law of inheritance as Gods absolute command, and in their conclusive pronouncements declare that they are based on Gods Knowledge and Wisdom. So we should try to find the instances of Divine wisdom in them. Breaching them means disobeying God and His Messenger, while rejecting them amounts to unbelief.
* Third, Islam is universal and thus considers and addresses the conditions of all ages and communities. Its worldview is holistic and deals with particular matters in its universal frame. So while viewing its law of inheritance, we should consider such psychological and sociological factors as the psychology of women and men; their positions and financial, familial, and social responsibilities; and their contributions to the economy. As the matter is never a matter of equality between men and women, we should evaluate every matter with respect to its own nature and context.

In order to understand the rationale behind Islams giving a woman half of a mans share, one must remember that the mans financial obligations far exceed those of a woman. A groom must provide his bride with a marriage gift, which then becomes her exclusive property and remains so even if she is divorced. The bride is under no obligation to present any gifts to the groom.
Moreover, the husband must maintain his wife and children. The wife, on the other hand, is not obliged to help him do so. Her property and earnings are for her use alone, except for what she may offer to her husband voluntarily. Besides, one has to realize that Islam strongly advocates family life, encourages young people to get married, and discourages divorce. Therefore, in a truly Islamic society, family life is the norm and single life is the rare exception, for almost all marriageaged women and men get married. In light of these facts, one would appreciate that men generally have greater financial burdens than women, and that the inheritance rules are meant to offset this imbalance.

When a woman receives less than a man, she is not deprived of anything for which she has worked. The property she inherits is not the result of her earning or endeavor, but something coming from a neutral source, something additional or extra. Thus it is a type of aid, and any aid has to be distributed according to the needs and responsibilities, especially when the distribution is regulated by Gods law.

The Quranic injunction of inheritance is a perfect mercy for women, in addition to its being perfectly just, for a girl is delicate, vulnerable, and thus held in great affection by her father. Her father, in turn and thanks to the Quran, does not see her as a child who will cause him any loss by carrying away some of his wealth to others. In addition, her brothers feel compassion for her and protect her without feeling envious, as they do not consider her as a rival in the division of the familys possessions. Thus, the affection and compassion which the girl enjoys through her family compensate her for the apparent loss in the inheritance.
Some still object on the grounds that a womans share of the inheritance should be equal to that of a man so that there would be no need to compensate her through a dower and maintenance by her husband.

Those who make this objection think that the dower and maintenance are the effects of womens peculiar position with regard to inheritance, whereas the real position is just the reverse. Further, they seem to be under the impression that the financial aspect is the only consideration. If this were so, there would have been no need for dower and maintenance or for any disparity between the shares of men and women. As in every other case, however, Islam has considered all aspects connected to the individuals nature and psychology. It has considered womens unique needs arising out of their procreative function. Moreover, a womans earning capacity is less than a mans, and her consumption of wealth is usually more. In most cases, in her parents house her contribution to the family income is far less than her brother(s). In addition, there are several other finer aspects of their respective mental makeup. For example, a man always wants to spend on the woman of his choice. Other psychological and social aspects that help consolidate domestic relations also have been considered. Taking all of these points into consideration, Islam has made dower and maintenance obligatory.

Thus it is a severe injustice, not a kindness, to give a girl or woman more than her due out of unrealistic feelings of compassion – unrealistic because no one can be more compassionate than God. Rather, if the Quranic bounds are exceeded, women may become vulnerable to exploitation and tyranny in the family. As for the Quranic injunctions, all of them, like those pertaining to inheritance, prove the truth expressed in: We have not sent you (O Muhammad), save as a mercy unto all beings.(21:107)
Modern civilization wrongs mothers more than girls by depriving them of their rights. Being the purest and finest reflection of Divine compassion, a mothers affection is the most revered reality in creation. A mother is so compassionate, self-sacrificing, and intimate a friend that she sacrifices all she has, including her life, for her children. For example, a timid hen, whose motherliness represents the lowest degree, has been observed to attack a dog to protect her chicks.

Islam does not approve of wealth circulating only among a few people; rather, it wants wealth to be distributed among as many people as possible. In inheritance, considering that Gods grace and bountifulness have a share in it, it strongly advises and even orders that distant relatives, orphans, and the poor should also benefit from it.



Divorce
Christianity abhors divorce, and the New Testament unequivocally advocates the indissolubility of marriage. Judaism, on the other hand, allows divorce without cause. The Old Testament gives the husband the right to divorce his wife if he just dislikes her (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).

Islam, which rejects and is free from all extremities, occupies the middle ground between Christianity and Judaism with respect to divorce. It considers marriage a sanctified bond that should not be broken except for compelling reasons. Couples are instructed to pursue all possible remedies whenever their marriages are in danger. Divorce is not to be resorted to except when there is no other solution. In a nutshell, Islam recognizes divorce and yet it discourages it by all means. For example, the Quran warns: And consort with them in kindness, for if you dislike them, it may be that you dislike something in which God has placed much good (4:19).

Gods Messenger emphasizes: Let a believing man not dislike a believing woman. If something in her is displeasing to him, another trait may be pleasing; Among all of the permitted acts, divorce is the most hateful to God (Abu Dawud, Talaq, 3); and: The most perfect believers are the best in character, and the best of you are the kindest to their families (Canan, ibid., 17:212).

However, Islam recognizes that there can be circumstances in which a marriage will be on the verge of collapse. In such cases, a mere advice of kindness or self-restraint is not a viable solution. So, what should be done to save the marriage in such cases? The Quran offers some practical advice for the spouses, takes some measures, and gives the spouses the possibility to reconsider their decision.

No Divorce during Menstruation. A man cannot divorce his wife at any time; rather, he must wait for a suitable time. According to the law, the suitable time is when the wife had cleansed herself after her menstrual or post-childbirth bleeding periods and before they resume sexual relations, or when she is not pregnant.

The reason for prohibiting divorce during menstruation or post-childbirth bleeding is that since sexual intercourse is forbidden during such periods, a hus-band is given the time and opportunity to withdraw his decision by waiting until his wife is clean and there can be a new atmosphere of love, understanding, and reconciliation between them. Divorce is also forbidden between menstrual periods (i.e., the period of purity) if the husband has had sexual intercourse with his wife after the end of her previous period.

Repeated Divorce. A man is given three chances on three different occasions to divorce his wife, provided that each divorce is pronounced during the time when his wife is in the period of purity and he has not had intercourse with her.

He may divorce her once and let the idda pass. During that time, the divorced wife must stay in her home (i.e., her husbands house). She cannot move somewhere else, and her husband cannot evict her without a just cause. During idda, he must provide for her. This requirement leaves the way open for reconciliation. They have the option of reconciliation without having to remarry. If, however, this waiting period expires without reconciliation, they are considered divorced and therefore each former spouse can marry someone else or remarry each other. If they decide to remarry, a new marriage contract is required.

If they remarry, the husband has one more chance to divorce his wife, as in the first instance. But if he divorces his wife for a third time, they can no longer turn to each other unless the woman marries another man and divorces or is divorced by him in normal conditions.

Appointing Arbitrators. The Quran advises that two arbitrators be appointed if dissension occurs between the two spouses and its source cannot be determined. One arbitrator should be from the husbands family and the other from the wifes family. If that is not possible, other people may be appointed, depending on what is in the best interest of those concerned. They also agree that when a possible resolution has been devised to reconcile the spouses, it should be implemented. However, if they disagree, their opinions are not to be implemented.


Imam al-Shafii records in his book al-Umm from Ubayda al-Salmani, who said:

A man and a woman came to Ali ibn Abi Talib, each of them accompanied by a group of people. Ali told them to appoint a male arbitrator from his family and one from her family. Then he said to the arbitrators: Do you know what your responsibilities are? If you find that you can bring them back together, do so. If you find that they should be separated, do so.

Reconciling Honorably or Separating with Kindness. If any reconciliation does not occur and the period of idda ends, they have two alternatives if only one or two instances of divorce have occurred: either to reconcile honorably (i.e., to remarry with the intention of living in peace and harmony), or to free the woman and part with her in kindness, without argument and harsh words, and without setting aside any of their mutual rights.



The Divorced Womans Freedom to Remarry. After a divorced womans idda ends, her ex-husband, guardian, or anyone else cannot prevent her from marrying anyone she chooses. As long as she and the man who proposes to her follow the procedure required by the law, no one has the right to interfere.

The Womans Right to Demand Divorce. If the wife chooses to end the marriage, she may return the marriage gifts to her husband. This is a fair compensation for the husband who is keen to keep his wife, while she chooses to leave him. The Quran instructs the man not to take back any of the gifts he has given to his wife, unless she chooses to end the marriage (2:229).

Once, a woman came to the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, seeking to dissolve her marriage. She said that she had no complaint against her husbands character or manners, but that she honestly disliked him so much that she could no longer live with him. The Prophet asked her: Would you give him his garden (his marriage gift to her) back? she said: Yes, she replied. The Prophet then instructed the man to take back his garden and accept the dissolution of the marriage (Tajrid al-Sarih, HN: 1836).

In some cases, a wife might want to keep her marriage but find herself forced to seek divorce for a compelling reason (e.g., cruelty, desertion without a reason, non-fulfillment of his conjugal responsibilities). In such cases, the Muslim court dissolves the marriage.

As another case, a husband can confer the power of divorce on the wife. This delegation of power can be general or limited to certain specified circumstances. To make it irrevocable, it is included in the marriage contract as a binding clause that empowers the wife to dissolve the marriage based upon the agreed-upon specified circumstances.

Adoption
Islam has abolished the type of adoption that makes an adopted child a member of the family, which would give him or her full rights of inheritance and to mix freely with other members of the household, and prohibit him or her to marry certain women or men, and so on.

But the word adoption is also used in another sense, one that is not prohibited by Islam. In this context, adoption means bringing home an orphan or an abandoned child to rear, educate, and treat as his own child as regards protection, feeding, clothing, teaching, and loving. However, he does not consider the child to be his own and does not give the child any of the rights that Islamic law reserves for natural children.


________________________________________________________________________

1. This section is taken from various parts (edited and summarized) of Yusuf al-Qaradawi, The Lawful and Prohibited in Islam, trans. Muhammad Siddiqi (ASIN: 1999).
 

The Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace, is the most excellent example as father and husband. He was very kind and tolerant towards his wives. They could not live, they could not envisage life, without him. They could not live away from him.

He married Sawda, his second wife, while in Makka. However, after a while, he wanted to divorce her for certain reasons. When she heard this, she was extremely upset. She ran to him and begged, O Messenger of God, I wish no worldly thing of you. I will sacrifice the time allocated to me, if you do not wish to stay in my room. But, please, do not deprive me of being your wife. I wish to go to the Hereafter as your wife. I care for nothing else.1 Her plea was accepted by the Messenger, and Sawda remained one of the pure wives.

This was the position the Prophet, upon him be peace and blessings, held in their hearts. If he had divorced one of them, she would have waited at his doorstep until the Last Day.

Once, he noticed that Hafsa felt some discomfort as a result of their financial situation. If she wishes, I may set her free, he said, or something to that effect. This suggestion alarmed her a great deal. Mediators insistently told him what a good woman she was, requesting him not to divorce her. He did not, rather, he kept his faithful friends daughter as his trusted wife.

Separation from the Messenger of God was a calamity. All his wives felt the same. The lord of the two worlds had established his throne in their hearts. They were completely at one with him. They shared in his blessed, mild and natural life. If he had left them, they would have died of suffocation.

After his death, there was much yearning and a great deal of grief. Abu Bakr and Umar found the wives of the Messenger weeping whenever they visited them. Their weeping seemed to continue for almost a lifetime. Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings, left a lasting impression on everyone. They could not forget him. At one point, he had nine wives and dealt equally with all of them without any serious problems. He was a kind and gentle head of family. He never behaved harshly or rudely. The perfect manner in which he carried out his role as husband demonstrates that he was the Messenger of God.

A few days before his death, he said, A servant has been left free to choose this world or his Lord. He chose his Lord.2 Abu Bakr, a man of great intelligence, began to cry, recognizing that the servant referred to was the very person speaking. Day after day, his illness got worse. His severe headache made him writhe with pain. Even during this difficult period, he continued to act kindly and gently towards his wives. He asked for permission to stay in one room as he had no strength to visit them one by one in each of their rooms. All his wives agreed and the Messenger, upon him be peace, spent his last days in Aishas room.

He respected and honored the rights of his wives even under the most severe conditions. This was the Messenger of God!

Each of his wives, because of his generosity and kindness, thought that she was his most beloved. The idea that any man could show equality and complete fairness in relationship with nine women seems impossible. For this reason, the Messenger of God asked Gods pardon for any unintentional leanings. He would make this prayer:

I may have unintentionally shown more love to one of them than the others and this would have been injustice. So, O Lord, I take refuge in Your grace for those things which are beyond my power.3

What gentleness and sensitivity! I wonder if anyone else could show such kindness to his children or spouses. When people manage to partially cover up their lower inborn tendencies, it is as if they have done something very clever and shown a sign of their tremendous will-power. Sometimes it even happens that in bragging of their cleverness, they exhibit their defects unconsciously. The Messenger, despite showing no fault, asked Gods forgiveness.

His gentleness must have penetrated the souls of his wives so deeply that his departure led to what they must have felt like an unceasing separation. They did not commit suicide as Islam forbids it. However, life became an endless sorrow and ceaseless tears.

The Messenger was kind and gentle to all women and advised everyone else to be kind to them. His kindness was described on the authority of Sad ibn Abi Waqqas, who related:

Umar said: One day I went to the Prophet and saw him smiling. May God make you smile forever, O Messenger of God!, I said, and asked why he was smiling. I smile at those women. They were chatting in front of me before you came. When they heard your voice, they all vanished, he answered still smiling. On hearing this answer, I raised my voice and told them, O enemies of your own selves, you are scared of me, but you are not scared of the Messenger of God, and you do not show respect to him. You are hard-hearted and strict, they replied.4

Umar was also gentle to women. However, the most handsome of men look ugly when compared to the beauty of Joseph. Likewise, Umars gentleness and sensitivity would seem like violence and severity when compared to that of the Prophet.

The women had witnessed the gentleness, sensitivity and kindness of the Messenger. For this reason, they regarded Umars behaviour as strict and severe. Yet Umar, may God be pleased with him, shouldered the burden of the Caliphate perfectly. He was to become one of the greatest examples after the Prophet. He showed justice in his behaviour and made a great effort to distinguish right from wrong. He had the qualities that led him to the rank of Caliph. Some of these qualities might seem rather severe to some of us; but, it was precisely because of these qualities that he was able to shoulder such demanding responsibilities.

The Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, discussed matters with his wives as friends. Certainly he did not need their advice, since he was directed by Revelation. However, he wanted to teach his nation. Contrary to the conventions of the time, women in Islam were to be given every consideration. He began teaching us through his own relationship with his wives.

The Prophets consultation with his wives

The conditions of the Treaty of Hudaybiya seemed, at first sight, very heavy to the Muslims. They felt they had no power left. They wanted to reject the treaty and go on to Makka and face the possible consequences. The Messenger ordered those with him to slaughter their sacrificial animals and leave their pilgrim attire. Some of the Companions were hesitant. They had hoped for a change in his decision. Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings, repeated his order. It did not change their reluctance. They did not oppose him, but still hoped he might change his mind as they had set out with the intention of pilgrimage and did not want to stop half way.

Noticing the reluctance of some of his Companions, the lord of the two worlds returned to his tent and asked the opinion of his wife, Umm Salama. This great lady explained her opinion, fully aware that the Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, did not need her advice. In doing this, he taught us an important social lesson. We should learn that there is nothing wrong with exchanging ideas with women on such important matters.

She said: O Messenger of God! Do not repeat your order. They may resist and thereby perish. Slaughter your sacrificial animal and change out of your pilgrim attire. They will obey you, willingly or not, when they recognize the certainty of your order.5 Immediately he took a knife in his hand, went out and began to slaughter his sheep. The Companions began to do the same. Everybody understood that there would be no change in his decision.

Counsel and consultation, like every good deed, were both practiced by Gods Messenger first in the context of his own family and then in the wider community. We are very far from understanding his relationships with his wives; we are wandering around in the backyard unaware of the vast treasure inside.

Women are secondary beings in the minds of many, including those who claim they are defending womens rights. For us, a woman is part of a whole, a part which renders the other half useful. We believe that when the two halves come together, the true unity of a human being appears. When this unity does not exist, humanity does not exist, nor can Prophethood or sainthood; nor, in fact, can Islam.

Our master encouraged us through his enlightening words to behave kindly to women. He declared: The most perfect of believers is the best of them in character and the best of you is the kindest to his family.6

It is clear that womanhood has been honored in a meaningful sense only once in history; it was during the period of the Prophet Muhammad, upon him be peace and blessings.

The choice Gods Messenger gave to his wives

The wives of the Messenger were given the choice of remaining with him or leaving. This incident is referred to as al-takhyir and is also called al-ila. It was mentioned in the Quran as follows:

O Prophet! Say to your consorts: If it be that you desire the life of this world, and its glitter, then come! I will provide for your enjoyment and set you free in a handsome manner. But if you seek God and His Messenger and the Home of the Hereafter, verily God has prepared for you, the well-doers amongst you, a great reward. (al-Ahzab, 33:28-9)

A few of his wives had wished for a more prosperous life and said: Couldnt we live a little more luxuriously, like other Muslims do? Couldnt we have at least a bowl of soup everyday? Could we not have some prettier garments? At first sight, such wishes might be considered fair and just. However, they were members of the family that were to be an example for all Muslim families until the Last Day.

The Messenger, upon him be peace, reacted to this situation by not visiting them and going into retreat. The news spread and everybody rushed to the mosque and began to cry. The smallest grief felt by their beloved Messenger was enough to bring them all to tears. The Muslims were so close to the Messenger that the smallest incident would disturb them.

Abu Bakr and Umar, two of the Messengers closest friends, saw the event in a different light, as their daughters were directly involved. They also rushed to the mosque.

They wanted to see him, but he would not leave his retreat. Eventually, on their third attempt, they gained entry to the house and began to manhandle their daughters. The Messenger saw what was happening, but his only comment was: I cannot afford what they want.7

The Holy Quran declared:

O wives of the Prophet! You are not like any other women. (al-Ahzab, 33.32)

Others might save themselves by simply fulfilling the obligations placed upon them, but those who were at the very center of this religion had to devote themselves fully so that no weakness would appear at the center. There were some advantages in being the Prophets wife, but these advantages brought responsibilities and potential risks. The Messenger was preparing them as examples. He was especially worried that they might enjoy here in the world the reward for their good deeds and thereby be included in the verse:

You have exhausted your share of the good things in your life of the world and sought comfort in them. (al-Ahqaf, 46.20)

The life in the Prophets house was uncomfortable. For this reason, they explicitly or implicitly, made some modest demands. As their status was different from other women, they were not expected to enjoy themselves in a worldly sense.

There are some godly persons who laugh only a few times in a whole lifetime and who do not fill their stomachs even once. An example is Fudayl ibn Iyaz, who never laughed. He smiled only once, and on that occasion, when people asked the reason in surprise, he said: Today, they informed me of the demise of my son, Ali. I was happy to hear God had loved him, and so I smiled.8 If this was the state of such men, then, the Messengers wives, who were even more God-fearing and regarded as the mothers of all Muslims, would certainly be of a higher degree.

It is not easy to merit being together with the Messenger in this world and the Hereafter. Thus, these special women were put to a great test. The Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, gave them the choice of his poor home or the luxury of the world. If they were to choose the world, the Messenger would give them whatever they wanted, but then set them free. If they were to choose God and His Messenger, they had to be content with what they had of this world. This was a peculiarity of his family. Since this family was unique, the members of it had to be unique, too. The head of the family was chosen, as were the wives and children.

The Messenger, upon him be peace and blessings, called Aisha first and said: I want to discuss a matter with you. Youd better talk to your parents before making a decision. Then he recited the verses mentioned above. Her decision was exactly as expected from a truthful daughter of a truthful father: O Messenger of God! Do I need to talk to my parents? By God, I choose God and His Messenger.

Aisha herself tells us what happened next: The Messenger received the same answer from all his wives. No one expressed a different opinion. They all said what I had said.9

They said the same thing because they were all at one with the Messenger. They could not differ. If the Messenger had told them to fast for a lifetime without break, they would have done that. They would have endured it with pleasure. However, they endured hardship until their death.

Some of the Prophets wives had previously enjoyed an extravagant lifestyle. One of these was Safiyya. She had lost her father and husband during the Battle of Khaybar, where she herself was taken as a prisoner of war. She must have been very angry with the Messenger, but when she saw him, her feelings changed completely. She endured the same destiny as the other wives. They endured it because love of the Messenger had penetrated their hearts.

Safiyya was of Jewish origin and on one occasion she was dismayed when her origin was mentioned to her sarcastically. She informed the Messenger, expressing her sadness. Our master comforted her saying: If they repeat it, give them this response: My father is the Prophet Aaron, my uncle is the Prophet Moses and my husband is, as you see, the Prophet Muhammad, the Chosen One. What do you have more than me to be proud of?10

The Quran declares that the wives of the Prophet are mothers of the believers (al-Ahzab, 33.6). Although fourteen centuries have passed, we still feel delight in saying my mother when referring to his wives, Khadija, Aisha, Umm Salama, Hafsa and the others. We feel this because of him. Some feel this more than they do for their real mothers. Certainly, this feeling must have been deeper, warmer and stronger then.

In conclusion, we can see that the Messenger was the perfect head of family. Managing many women with ease, being a lover of their hearts, an instructor of their minds, an educator of their souls, he never neglected the affairs of the nation nor compromised his duties. This is a clear proof of his Prophethood. If this were the only proof, it would be enough.



1. Muslim, Rada, 47.
2. Bukhari, Salat, 80.
3. Tirmidhi, Nikah, 41. / 4. Bukhari, Adab, 68.
5. Bukhari, Shurut, 15.
6. Abu Dawud, Sunna, 15; Tirmidhi, Rada, 11.
7. Muslim, Talaq, 34, 35.
8. Abu Nuaym, Hilyat al-Awliya, 8.100.
9. Muslim, Talaq, 35.
10. Tirmidhi, Manaqib, 64.

The female has the right to accept or reject marriage proposals. Her consent is a prerequisite to the validity of the marital contract, according to the Prophets teaching. It follows that if an arranged marriage means the marrying of a female without her consent, then such a marriage may be annulled if the female so wishes:

Ibn Abbas reported that a girl came to the Messenger of Allah, and she reported that her father had forced her to marry without her consent. The Messenger of God gave her the choice...(between accepting the marriage or invalidating it) (Ahmad, Hadith no. 2469). another version of the report states that the girl said: Actually, I accept this marriage, but I wanted to let women know that parents have no right to force a husband on them. (Ibn-Majah).

The husband is responsible for the maintenance, protection and overall leadership (qiwamah) of the family, within the framework of consultation and kindness. The mutuality and complementary of husband and wife does not mean subservience by either party to the other. Prophet Muhammad (P) helped with household chores although the responsibilities he bore and the issues he faced in his community were immense.

The mothers shall give suck to their offspring for two whole years, if the father desires to complete the term. But he shall bear the cost of their food and clothing on equitable terms. No soul shall have a burden laid on it greater than it can bear. No mother shall be treated unfairly on account of her child, nor father on account of his child. An heir shall be chargeable in the same way. If they both decide on weaning by mutual consent. and after due consultation, there is no blame on them. If you decide on a foster-mother for your offspring, there is no blame on you, provided you pay (the mother) what you offered on equitable terms. But fear Allah and know that Allah sees well what you do. (Quran 2:233)

Prophet Muhmmad (P) instructed Muslims regarding women, I commend you to be kind to women. He said also, the best of you is the best to his family (wife). The Quran urges husbands to be kind and considerate to their wives, even if a wife falls out of favor with her husband or disinclination for her arises within him. It also outlawed the pre-Islamic Arabian practice whereby the stepson of the deceased father was allowed to take possession of his fathers widow(s) (inherited them) as if they were part of the estate of the deceased:

O you who believe! You are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should you treat them with harshness, that you may take away part of the martial gift you have given them, except when they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary, live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them, it may be that you dislike a thing through which Allah brings about a great deal of good. (Quran 4:19)

Should maritual disputes arise, the Quran encourages couples to resolve them privately in a spirit of fairness and probity. Under no circumstances does the Quran encourage, allow or condone family violence of physical abuse. In extreme cases, and whenever greater harm, such as divorce, is a likely option, it allows for a husband to administer a gentle pat to his wife that causes no physical harm to the body nor leaves any sort of mark. It may serve, in some cases, to bring to the wifes attention the seriousness of her continued unreasonable behavior (refraction, and may be resorted to only after exhausting other steps discussed in endnote. If the mild measure is not likely to prevent a marriage from collapsing, as last measure, it should not be resorted to. Indeed the Quran outlines an enlightened step and a wise approach for the husband and wife to resolve persistent conflict in their marital life: In the event that dispute cannot be resolved equitably between husband and wife, the Quran prescribes mediation between the parties through family intervention on behalf of both spouses.

Divorce is a last resort, permissible but not encouraged, for the Quran esteems the preservation of faith and the individuals right--male and female alike--to felicity. Forms of marriage dissolution include an enactment based upon mutual agreement, the husbands initiative, the wifes initiative (if part of her marital contract), the courts decision on a wifes initiative (for a legitimate reason),and the wifes initiative without a cause, provided that she returns her marital gift to her husband (khul, or divestiture).

The truth of the matter is that Islam has the most humane and most just system of divorce that exists. Firstly, many options are taken and tried before coming to the decision of the divorce. If the man and woman decide that they can no longer live together successfully as a husband and wife, the husband (in most cases, not always) pronounces the divorce by saying I divorce you. At this point the waiting period begins. The waiting period lasts for three menstrual cycles to assure the woman is not pregnant. This period allows the couple time to think about what they are doing and if this is what they really want to do. There are no lawyers involved to antagonize an already delicate situation.

In the case that it is realized, that the woman is pregnant, the waiting period lasts the entire time she is pregnant. During the waiting period (whether the woman is pregnant or not) the man is obligated to provide food, clothing and shelter to the woman as he did before the divorce pronouncement. If the couple carries the divorce through to the birth of the child and the woman suckles the baby, the man is obligated to feed and clothe both his ex-wife for the time the woman suckles (the maximum being two years). After this weaning, the child will be provided for by the father until he/she is no longer in need of support.

It is quite ironic that in such an advanced society as America, there are divorce cases in which women are being forced to pay alimony to their ex-husbands. Can this and many other things we know about the American system of divorce compare to the Islamic system of divorce?

Priority for the custody of young children (up to the age of about seven) is given to the mother. A child later may choose the mother or father as his or her custodian. Custody questions are to be settled in a manner that balances the interests of both parents and the well-being of the child.

Question: Some people claim that in Muslim societies, women are confined to their home and they are oppressed. Is there any truth in this claim? What is the position of women in family life and in society according to Islamic disciplines?

A: Islam saved women who were exploited, enslaved, and regarded as second class in the darkness of the pre-Islamic Age of Ignorance from the position of a poor creature and elevated them to a new status as a blessed being. Islam freed women from being treated as a tool of pleasure and laid Paradise under their feet. If the essential sources of religion and the exemplary lives of the first two generations of Muslims who lived after Gods Messenger are carefully studied, it will be seen that Muslim women were absolutely not confined to their home and they were never oppressed. If those who come up with such claims are not prejudiced and are not making deliberate assertions, then these ideas stem from being ignorant of the essential principles the religion set on this matter and from attributing misconceptions and misapplications—which originate from interference of local customs—throughout history to Islam.

Islam is the only religion which has given women such extensive rights; when we look at the Quran, practices of the Prophet, and the history of Islam, except for some abuses caused by individuals mistakes, it will be seen that women gained the most exalted status in Muslim societies. Yes, women have a unique position in Islam, which can never be found in other systems. Even the societies considered as the most developed in our time are backward on this issue and they cannot be compared with Islam.

In these modern societies, even though women seem to have a certain freedom, it is rather a freedom to satisfy certain carnal desires, and such a freedom, whether for men or women, cannot be welcomed by primordial human nature and sound intellect; it cannot be acceptable in any divine religion. In recent centuries, the difficulties of making a living brought by bloody wars between states and the pressures of economic needs pushed women into the workforce and out of their homes. After this emergence, women started to earn their own livelihood and to some extent they gained economic freedom as individuals, but in many cases they were not saved from being exploited by capital holders, who wish to benefit particularly from their physical attractions. Unfortunately, especially in Western societies, women have found superficial and artificial love only at a particular moment of their lives in proportion to their contribution to the market, to material values, and to their serving mens carnal desires. However, they have mostly lost the respect and love they previously experienced in social life as daughters, sisters, wives, mothers, and grandmothers, and this can never be replaced by anything else. In the long run, under the guise of freedom this time, they got to be exploited on and on with modern techniques (!), they were deprived of most inalienable rights, and become a victim of abuse equivalent of the dark ages.

As a reaction to all the injustice done to women (such as their lack of civil and property rights and the absence of justice toward women in family law) a movement to claim womens rights emerged, particularly in the West. Even though this movement is considered an awakening of women, it occurred as a reaction and was doomed to imbalance like all other reactionary movements and ended up in extremism. Although the starting point was to defend women, in time it deviated from the original aim to the degree of being full of hatred towards men and to feeling a grudge against them. The movement named feminism, which was born from the idea of protecting women and providing them with rights equal to those of men, has only left behind longing, sorrow, and wreckage as a movement of discontentment. Nevertheless, the representatives of feminism, which now has different varieties, have pursued very different demands and the movement has frequently deviated from protecting the rights of women to the excess of trying to establish their dominance.

Two bodies, one soul
God has created woman as a partner to man, not as anything else. In this respect, he cannot be without her and she cannot be without him. According to Muhammed Lutfi Effendi, the Sufi scholar and poet (d. 1956), even though Adam was in Paradise, he lived in sorrow during the time when he was without Eve. Had Eve been created first, then at that time she would have lived in sorrow without Adam, since they could not do without one another with respect to their creation. They were like two bodies and a single soul and represented the two different faces of one truth. God has created women and men in relation to each other as He created the electron in relation to the proton, the negative pole in relation to the positive one, the female seed in relation to the male one. As He composed a whole from these pairs, He willed woman and man to make couples. Yes, as the positive is joined to the negative, the electron is joined to the proton, night is joined to day, summer is joined to winter, and the earth depends on the sky, to the same extent woman and man are created dependent on one another. Gods Messenger expressed this truth as follows: Surely, women are the other half of men.

In this respect, women and men are equal halves in terms of their humanity, but neither of them is ever the same as the other. They hold certain differences in their primordial nature, physical potentials, spiritual worlds, and psychological structures; but men are not a biologically mature form of women, nor are women a less or more developed form of man. Both are individual human creatures and they are in essential need of one another. In accordance with this balanced understanding, women were granted the lofty status they deserve at the time of the Prophet; they undertook responsibilities to suit their nature, and the vital position of women in society was reestablished. This great revolution took place at a dark period when the world was immersed in savagery and when it was being discussed whether women had a soul or not.

The place of women between extremes
Islam did not deprive women of anything; it just kindly granted them exemption from certain liabilities. For example, Islam does not hold women responsible for attending congregational prayers and sermons, fasting or praying at certain times, or undertaking paid work to support themselves or their family. However, Islam does not prevent any womans voluntary attendance at a congregational prayer, such as Friday Prayer. In the reference books on the sayings and life of the Prophet there are reports that women attended different congregational prayers including the prayer for rain.

Not making women liable for everything men are responsible for is an expression of Islams kind approach towards women. This manifestation of divine Mercy is based on the following essential: Women are generally more compassionate and merciful than men. As a compliment to her vast compassion, the All-Merciful Creator who is the sole owner of true mercy honored women with a different aspect of His blessings and freed her from certain liabilities.

According to Islam, womens role in this world is not only restricted to doing the housework and raising children. In fact, as long as it does not conflict with her primordial nature or with observing religious requirements, she is responsible for carrying out the duties that befall her in every area of society and making up for shortcomings where men fall short in social life. However, this reality was ignored in time, even among Muslims; rough understandings and crude thinking upset this system based on women and mens mutual assistance. After this upset, both family life and the social order were also upset. Different peoples perception of their own historical heritage as a part of Islam, their seeing and reflecting their folklore and traditions as essentials of religion, and making judgments pertaining to this issue at certain periods all resulted in the usurpation of womens rights; they were pushed into a more restricted area day by day, and in some places they were totally isolated from life without consideration of where this issue leads. However, the source of mistaken thoughts and deviations in this matter is not Islam whatsoever. The mistakes belong to those who misinterpret and misapply the religion. Such mistakes in practice must definitely be corrected.

On the other hand, while correcting these mistakes, approaching the issue from a feminist standpoint will upset the balance again and an opposite extremism will replace the former. For instance, just as it is very ugly to see women as merely child-bearing objects and is insolence towards them, it is equally unbecoming and unnatural to build a society where women are unable to bear and bring up the children they wish for, or for a woman to feel a need to rebel against marrying and to avoid bearing children in order to show that she is not a machine. As a woman is not a dirty dish, her place at home is not confined to the kitchen with the dirty dishes. However, a woman who claims to have no household responsibilities and thereby turns her home to a quarters for eating and sleeping is far from being a good mother, a good teacher, and a good spiritual guide to her children.

Besides all this, it is another form of oppression to make women work under difficult conditions, such as mining and road-building. It contradicts human nature to push women into heavy tasks like agricultural manual labor, or military field operations, and other harsh pursuits, just for the sake of proving their equality with men; it is nothing but cruel torture. It shows ignorance of womens qualities and conflicts with their primordial nature. Therefore, just as an understanding which imprisons women at home and takes them completely away from social life is absolutely incorrect according to Islam, likewise, depriving women of financial support, preventing them from bearing and raising children in security, and forcing women into the labor force to do uncongenial work is also oppressive. A woman, like a man, can have a certain job as far as her (and his) physiology and psychology are taken into consideration; but both women and men should know that a good life consists of sharing and division of labor. Each should assist the other by doing tasks in compliance with their nature.

By ISIK, Hikmet

In His Name, glory be to Him

There is nothing that does not glorify Him with praise.

In the Name of God, the Merciful, the Compassionate

Your Lord has decreed, that you worship none save Him, and to be good to parents. If one of them or both of them attain to old age with you, say not to them Fie, neither chide them, but speak unto them a gracious word. And lower unto them the wing of humility out of mercy and say, My Lord, have mercy on them both, as they did care for me when I was little. Your Lord is best aware of what is in your minds. If you are righteous, verily He is All-Forgiving to those who are patient. (17:23-25)

O you, who are unaware of the filial responsibility towards parents, in whose house is one of his old parents, or helpless, invalid relative or brother-in-religion unable to make his living! Heed the verses quoted above and see how they insist in five different ways on the affection to be shown to parents!

Of course, paternal affection for children is one of the sublime realities of worldly life and, in turn, filial gratitude to them is a most urgent and heavy duty to be performed. Parents sacrifice their lives lovingly for their children, and if this is so, what falls to a child who has not lost his humanity and become transformed into a monster of ingratitude, is to show sincere respect for them, to serve them willingly, and to try to gain their approval. With regard to filial respect and service, uncles and aunts are like parents.

Now, you, who are neglectful of your duties to your parents, know how terribly disgraceful and lacking in scruples it is to be bored with the existence of old parents and to desire and expect their death. Know this and come to your senses! You must understand what an injustice it is that you desire the end of the lives of those who have sacrificed their lives for you.

O you, who are immersed in earning your livelihood! Know that your disabled relative whom you regard as unbearable in your house is, in fact, the means of blessing and abundance. Never complain that you can scarcely make a living (that your means of subsistence are strained), for were it not for the blessing and abundance bestowed on you, you would have to face even more difficulties in making your living. This is an undeniable reality, which I could prove to you except that I would like to keep this letter brief.

Believe me, I swear by God that this is an established reality to which even my satan and evil-commanding self have yielded. Indeed, as is witnessed by the whole of the existence, when the Generous, Majestic Creator, Who is infinitely merciful, compassionate, gracious and munificent, sends children to the world, He sends them together with their sustenance which He provides through the breasts of mothers abundantly. In the same way, He sends in the form of blessing and unseen, immaterial abundance, the sustenance of the old, who are like children and even more worthy and needy of compassion than children. He does not load their sustenance onto mean, greedy people.

The truth expressed in the verses, Surely God is He Who is the All-Provider, the Possessor of Strength and the Steadfast (51:58) and How many an animate creature that bears not its own provision, but God provides for it and you, (29:60) is openly proclaimed by living creatures of all kinds through the tongue of their dispositions. So, not only the sustenance of old relatives, but also that of pets, like cats, which are created as friends to human beings and usually live on food from human beings, is, again, sent in the form of blessing. I have personally observed this:

Some years ago, my daily ration consisted of half a loaf of bread. Since the loaf was very small, I barely managed with it, until four cats became my everyday guests. No sooner did they begin sharing my bread, than the same ration was always enough for all of us.

I witnessed this so often that it convinced me that I benefited from the blessing coming through the cats. I openly declare that they were not a burden upon me, and that I was rather indebted to them, and not they to me.

But for the old bent double, calamities would be pouring down upon you

O man, a human being is the most esteemed, noble and most worthy-of-respect among creatures; among human beings, the believers are the most perfect. Among the believers, the helpless, old people are those who are the most worthy and needy of respect and compassion. Among the old, the relatives deserve affection, love and service more than the others, and among the relatives, parents are the most truthful confidants and most intimate companions. Now, O man, if an animal becomes the means of blessing and abundance when it stays as a guest in a mans house, then you can conclude how invaluable a means of blessing and mercy parents are in a house and, additionally, as stated in the hadith - But for the old bent double, calamities would be pouring down upon you- (Ajluni, Kashf al-Khafa, 2:163) what an important means for the removal of calamities they are.

If this is so, O man, come to your senses! If you have been assigned a long life, certainly, you too, will grow old, and if you do not show due regard for your parents, then, according to the rule, one is rewarded or punished in accordance with the kind of ones action, your children will not respect you either. Further, if you consider your afterlife seriously, it is a precious provision for your afterlife to gain the approval of your parents by serving them. If you love the worldly life, again you should please them so that you may lead a pleasant life. If, by contrast, you regard them as unbearable, if you break their easily-offended hearts, and if you desire their death, you will be the object of the Quranic threat, he loses both the world and the world to come. So, whoever wishes for the mercy of the All-Merciful must show mercy to those entrusted to him by God in his house.

I had a brother-in-religion called Mustafa Cavus. I noticed that he usually succeeded in both his worldly affairs and the matters related to the Hereafter. I did not know how he could do so. Then, I came to understand that he succeeded because he observed the rights of his parents strictly. So, whoever desires to be prosperous in both worlds should do as he did.

O God, bestow blessings and peace on him who declared, Paradise is beneath the feet of mothers, and on his family and Companions all together.

We have no knowledge save what You have taught us; surely You are the All-Knowing, the All-Wise.

I wrote this article about my experiment with hijab when I was a senior at UCLA. It originally appeared in the October 1994 issue of al-talib. I recently found out that "Unveiling Oppression" has proliferated the internet in English and other languages. This was surprising to me. I didn't think what I've written resonated so much with people. This article has even made it into a Lesson Plan on Veiling. I've posted the version that was originally published. The versions that I've seen on the other sites on Google are not exactly how it first appeared.

I walked down the street in my long white dress and inch-long, black hair one afternoon, and truck drivers whistled obscenities at me. I felt defeated. I had just stepped out of a hair salon. I had my hair cut short, telling the hairdresser to trim it as she would a guy's. I sat numbly as my hairdresser skillfully sheared into my shoulder-length hair with her scissors, asking me with every inch she cut off if I was freaking out yet. I wasn't freaking out, but I felt self-mutilated.

It wasn't just another haircut. It meant so much more. I was trying to appear androgynous by cutting my hair. I wanted to obliterate my femininity.

Yet that did not prevent some men from treating me as a sex object. I was mistaken. It was not my femininity that was problematic, but my sexuality, or rather the sexuality that some men had ascribed to me based on my biological sex. They reacted to me as they saw me and not as I truly am.

Why should it even matter how they see me, as long as I know who I am? But it does. I believe that men who see women as only sexual beings often commit violence against them, such as rape and battery. Sexual abuse and assault are not only my fears, but my reality. I was molested and raped. My experiences with men who violated me have made me angry and frustrated.

How do I stop the violence? How do I prevent men from seeing me as an object rather than a female? How do I stop them from equating the two? How do I proceed with life after experiencing what others only dread?

The experiences have left me with questions about my identity. Am I just another Chinese-American female? I used to think that I have to arrive at a conclusion about who I am, but now I realize that my identity is constantly evolving.

One experience that was particularly educational was when I "dressed up" as a Muslim woman for a drive along Crenshaw Boulevard with three Muslim men as part of a newsmagazine project. I wore a white, long-sleeved cotton shirt, jeans, tennis shoes, and a flowery silk scarf that covered my head, which I borrowed from a Muslim woman.

Not only did I look the part, I believed I felt the part. Of course, I wouldn't really know what it feels like to be hijabed - I coined this word for the lack of a better term - everyday, because I was not raised with Islamic teachings.

However, people perceived me as a Muslim woman and did not treat me as a sexual being by making cruel remarks. I noticed that men's eyes did not glide over my body as has happened when I wasn't hijabed. I was fully clothed, exposing only my face.

I remembered walking into an Islamic center and an African-American gentleman inside addressed me as "sister", and asked where I came from. I told him I was originally from China. That didn't seem to matter. There was a sense of closeness between us because he assumed I was Muslim. I didn't know how to break the news to him because I wasn't sure if I was or not.

I walked into the store that sold African jewelry and furniture and another gentleman asked me as I was walking out if I was Muslim. I looked at him and smiled, not knowing how to respond. I chose not to answer.

Outside the store, I asked one of the Muslim men I was with, "Am I Muslim?" He explained that everything that breathes and submits is.

I have concluded that I may be and just don't know it. I haven't labeled myself as such yet. I don't know enough about Islam to assert that I am Muslim.

Though I don't pray five times a day, go to a mosque, fast, nor cover my head with a scarf daily, this does not mean that I am not Muslim. These seem to be the natural manifestation of what is within.

How I am inside does not directly change whether I am hijabed or not. It is others' perception of me that has changed. Repeated experiences with others in turn create a self-image. I consciously chose to be hijabed because I was searching for respect from men. Initially, as both a Women's Studies major and a thinking female, I bought into the Western view that the wearing of a scarf is oppressive. After this experience and much reflection, I have arrived at the conclusion that such a view is superficial and misguided: It is not if the act is motivated by conviction and understanding.

I covered up that day out of choice, and it was the most liberating experience of my life. I now see alternatives to being a woman. I discovered that the way I dress dictated others' reaction towards me. It saddens me that this is a reality. It is a reality that I have accepted, and chose to conquer rather than be conquered by it. It was my sexuality that I covered, not my femininity. The covering of the former allowed the liberation of that latter.

This article was originally published in the October 1994 issue of al-talib. I was s senior at UCLA majoring in Psychobiology and Women's Studies at the time.

Posted by kathychin at April 28, 2004 11:06 PM